Just when I thought things couldn't get much worse, they got better. They're like consolation prizes. Makes you feel a little more esteemed than the day before. Anyways, before I talk about that, I'll let you in on what made things worse. 2 days ago my dad almost slapped me again. I have no idea why I'm typing this out now. I went into my room straight away after that and was sobbing my eyes out and I was about to post this angry entry about him. I almost did. Isaiah once asked me 'how often do you blog?' I told him whenever I had something to say. And he went 'but you always have something to say.' I know he meant it as a joke,. but I really think so. As in, I convey my thoughts as words much better. So this is where I write about my day, my opinions,worries,grievances,dreams and happy thoughts.As weird as it might sound, the first thing I did after I almost got slapped is to blog. And I'll just clear the air right now. No, I didn't go out to get pregnant. All I did was to ask if I could work on the second day of CNY if they weren't going anywhere. And a rant went into many false accusations, I defended myself, which led to even more accusations and eventually my dad who has a serious anger management problem,started shoving me and wanted to slap me. Obviously my self-denfense mechanism activated the screaming mode. Cause it's not the first time. Do all parents think that their children are all out to aggravate them and to go against their will? I mean, when I asked if I could work, my dad was like 'why?Are you trying to say I don't give you allowance?Are you trying to disgrace me by working on CNY?People who see you will think you're so hard up for cash.' To say the least, all he cares about, is himself. I wasn't even thinking about him, for crying out loud. What's so disgraceful about working on CNY, can someone enlighten me on this? I have never seen someone with such warped mentality and still thinks he's right about everything he says. They said I was rude. LOOK, if you have been reasonable, there's no reason why I would retaliate. You bloody wanted to slap me because I asked a simple yes/no question and your warped mentality told you I had something up my sleeves.And yesterday, they acted as though this never happened. Seriously, I have a good mind not to be civil about this but so far my patience has enabled me to do so. Let's see how far this can go.

Right.We've talked about the worst, the consolations?
1)I aced my Journalism and Society module. After getting a Pass for Media Law and Credit for PR, I finally got a Distinction in Journ. At least I'm decent at what I think I'm good at.
2)And I'm catching Switchfoot in about 9 hours! Not forgetting that my parents (at least my dad) will be asleep by the time I'm back so one less day to fret over.

I've been wavering the past few days. I stand in this imaginery confession box and admit that I'm still weary and apprehensive about some things. I'm mad,and hurt and disappointed. I still am. There are things I hope I'll get to say someday, when I get the chance to. During praise and worship I couldn't lift my feet off the ground, my hands and heart heavy.
I shut my eyes. nope, still nothing.
'worthy is the lamb, sitted on the throne. crown you now with many crowns, you reign victorious.'
worthy.
Is Jesus worthy of my praise even when things go wrong?
'Yes..but I'm half-hearted, I'm boiled down by so many problems. It's so hard.'
'thou art worthy'
Excuses aside, my feelings does not change the fact that Jesus,who's the lamb that was slain, is less worthy of my praise just because I'm down and out. Even during the song, I was reminded of Job. I guess it was not easy for him to raise his hands and worship the Lord. Maybe his hands were heavier. I don't think he understood what was happening to him either. But what he had was discipline. Discipline to know who His God is and to submit his emotions to Him. Discipline to know that whatever comes His way, Jesus is still worthy to be praised. My God's faithfulness never fails and my obligation is to be faithful in my walk with Him. Now that we've got that sorted, Chin up and move forward.


p/s: I don't feel like dancing by scissor sisters is such a catchy song and the guy's high pitch voice is pretty hilarious but it suits the mood and song.

p/p/s: I miss Marisa.and Jon. and Est. and Diana.arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I got to meet best friend briefly before class on Wednesday. Finally.
I now know why I miss my good friends so much when I don't see or talk to them. It's not only the bond, but it's also when you realise they're the ones whom you feel comfortable in your own skin with.

I'm really upset.
Period.

If we will live each day self-scarificially, with a clear purpose and vision in mind and we look at people with eyes of love, we can change the world.

Really random thoughts and happenings.

-I haven't been sleeping well at all, for the past few days. It's like my mind is semi-conscious and even after 10 hours of sleep I still feel extremely tired. Sighs.

-I reallllllly wanna catch Switchfoot live.

-This year, I'm gonna live instead of just existing or breathing on maintenance mode.

-Inspired vintage bucket bags are so over the top with Singaporean kids already. We really do need some originality.

-my results suck.

-I don't think I'm outgoing or sociable like how friends have labeled me to be. I actually kind of hate social functions where I have to talk to people whom I've never met before.

-NS really puts a distance between friends/girlfriends or boyfriends/family.

-I'm really glad my best friends and I are meeting more often than I would expect to see them, which is awesome.

-Can't hardly wait for Perth.

-I hate feeling/being left out. whether or not it's deliberate or accidental.

Listening to: Breaking witness by collective soul

Hello world and 2008. I still can't really believe you're here. This is the year I'm supposed to get my lock and key but I feel like I could still afford a few more years to be young. Was packing my room just a few hours ago and it looks much cleaner and livable now. Many times when cleaning my room I'll stop at some point to examine a certain item and it reminds me of an incident or a phase in my life. Secondary school seems so long ago..really really long ago.

sighs. the free days. This phase of my life is so congested.
I've wondered when I was younger why the elderly would reminise about the past. I thought they had lived a life of regrets or something. But perhaps the days of your youths are when you live like how you want to live,imagine and dream wildly. Before punches start coming in. I know I'm not old, yet I'm taking in the start of the end of my youth. Such a strange feeling. Seeing my good friend moan about working life reminds me in about a year's time I'll do the same as well.
That's when I itch to escape..to grab hold of my wings and backpack and escape. Travel like I don't have a care in the world. A nice thought.

Watching your friends grow and they are different from what they used to be. I don't mean it in a negative way, cause normally when we say people change, we make it sound like it's a bad thing. It's not, it's just inevitable. When they start thinking differently, you can't help but drift apart. It's strange when you stop talking to a friend whom you used to tell secrets to. cest la vie.
Old photos remind me of good times with these people, but thankfully no, I don't feel hurt or disappointed that they're not part of my life anymore..it just happens, you know?

Yea..I'm just typing random, pensive thoughts out. Meeting Gloria tomorrow...and that's when you stop, snap back and embrace the people who are in your life now.

010108
Genesis.
My phone battery is running low, I've just wasted half my day doing nothing substantial at Trena's place (still am, actually), oh and yes Happy New Year.
Though I'm not exactly the happiest person on earth right now, with very slight consolations such as new year wishes from people that matter and good company. i.e. the girls.
other than that, whoopdedoo it's 2008.

*edit
I'm sitting here thinking I should have something more to say 5 hours later. 2007 went back too quickly. If I could sum these 365 days up, I still wished I had more time. I remember having a meeting with my bro, Nam, Charles and Sarah at the beginning of 07..and my bro asked what we wanted to get out of the new year. My reply was to reach a place of intimacy with God. Well? Nope, I have not. My relationship was hindered by problems, disappointments, restraints coupled by excuses. Towards the end of each year, this certain sense of dread takes over, as though I'm about to enter into the classroom to collect my end-of-year results slip.Especially when I know I did not study as hard as I should have. Likewise, in December each year, I know there are some things I havent done or achieved and they're constant reminders I feel in my bones. I'm sitting here thinking, when will I get through an entire year and think back feeling relieved and exhilarated knowing I have done what I was supposed to do well? I find myself thinking if I have wasted a year of my life, if I do live a purposeful life at all. But despite all these feelings and thoughts, I'm undetered. As much as I want to set resolutions for myself and a vision and goal for 2008, I don't want to end up failing to meet up to my crazy expectations. Yet, I need a certain direction and motivation. In one of my previous entries, I wrote about one of my struggles in 2007. I really thank God for bringing me through something that have troubled me for a long time. This year,(or last)I learnt how to be a blessing to others, through my actions and speech especially. It's absolutely fulfilling when I know I have imparted something positive and valuable to my friend. We have too many people in our lives who do thrash talks and stupid acts, but very few can be people we share our thoughts and dreams with. And by that, I mean really sharing and knowing that person won't laugh. I mean, the last thing I want to become is a nag without a sense of humour. That's not what I mean. But rather, someone who you can laugh and be silly with, and yet that same person can inspire and impart. I have some of these people in my life, and I'm grateful for them. And there are some friends you really stick with through thick and thin. They may not be inspiring, they may not share the same values even, but they are people who you are entirely comfortable with, as though they are blood related siblings. There are some people you love chilling out with, and there are some you call when you want to do some shopping. At least, my friends are like that. I don't share some of my secrets with my best friends, but to my good friends. I don't shop with my best friend, but I'll make time to hang out at Starbucks with her anyday. I share many of my thoughts and dreams with my church friends, but they're not my closest friends. Weird? Maybe. Come the end of each year, it's also a time of thanksgiving. You look back and be thankful for the good things and lessons learnt from the bad. The beginning of '07 was really awful for me. But eventually, I learnt a lesson from it and me and Jon are much better friends now than we were the previous year. He's practically my best friend (ok not quite, Diana and the girls definitely come first.) except that we don't shop together and we don't have lingerie talks. But whenever I need an outlet, or to say something completely random, I know who to talk to. My girls (Cloud 9) are one of the best things that have happened in my life. We are the weirdest combination of friends ever, we practically have nothing in common except that we were from the same secondary school. But we make the best friends. You've heard many times that we find our refuge in God, but whenever I need away from school, horrible days and problems, they're my physical form of refuge. I know I can count on them and I'm absolutely myself when I'm with them. No facades. Diana has been MIA a lot this year but I really, really miss her. (like mad sia, like she would say) There are days when I feel so shit, I just need to talk to her but she's hardly a phone call away cause there's no freaking number to call. ARGH. So I have to pathetically resort to Myspace which me and the girls have been doing. Was at Trena's place last night for sleepover and almost the whole of today and some of us were looking through albums and our photobucket and everything is so poigant.I mean, from crazy trouble makers, to mugging for Os, to playing pool and mahjong, to seeing us graduate from poly one after another and even working full-time now, is simply amazing. The blog that I have now is started because we wanted to keep in touch with each other, though hardly anyone blogs regularly now.hmmm.I'm waffling abit and I'm acutely aware that this's a really long entry, but if you're bored then why have you even read till here?HAHAHA. yea, and so seeing old photos of my girls and I are really nostalgic but it makes me so proud that we've such a strong friendship that few can have. 2008 also means I'm turning 21 which also means I'm depressingly old. Tomorrow will mark my dad's return to the workforce. He retired for awhile but now he's going back to his old company for another 2 years to work, which is good for him I think. I don't see how staying at home and going to the same old coffee shop, watching the same old tv shows and reading newspapers is fun after doing that for a few years. When my dad retires for good, my family will begin a new phrase cause I would have started working full-time and my bro would have gotten married and moved out. I'll miss him, to be honest. Sometimes I wished I had a sister so we could share clothes and do girly things together, but brothers are just plain irritating. But how many people can have a one kind brother? I should be privileged.hahaha. As much as he likes grossing me out and disturbing me, at least I have a bro whom I can talk to and laugh with and can be nice.can be ah. Right, so before I start ticking off my friends list and name every one of them..I should publish this post soon.

My New Year resolution(s)?
1)be a blessing through showing God to people with my actions
2)save more money
3)be less quick-tempered.
4)not sloth! (in more ways than one)
5)do well in school (i.e. be a geek)
6)be driven and kindgom minded.

Noticed I didn't write 'shop less', or 'eat cheaply'.
Some things have to be realistic, kay!