I just bummed the whole day away and stared at the laptop clicking around aimlessly. Checking the usual shit..you know, hotmail, gmail, yahoo (yea i have many email accounts.i'm fickle minded)then my blog, friendster, facebook, googled some stuff, typed like 3 sentences of my media law assignment and that's it.
I was just talking with Van about how I've been feeling lately. It's weird that I've been rather reclusive lately and not wanting to socialise much. Of course, there're things like my many assignment deadlines at the back of my mind, but it's more than that. I just don't feel like hanging or going out. And my friends know I love going out, even if it's just a talk over coffee or something.
I'm at this place where I'm not even sure what I'm doing here anymore. It's the same old routine. School, doing assignments, church, work and then the same cycle all over again. I look at pretty photos of other 2o yr olds in Aussie have taken. And I wish I was there. But I know when I'm there, I won't have a bunch of good friends heading up with me. In a way I'm glad that I'll have sometime alone. But I don't think I'll be able to be alone for 4 months without talking to anyone. Van says I'm lost. Maybe I am. But I told her aimless is more like the word for it.
I'm at this phrase whereby I don't find much things that excite me anymore, and I don't find much that I look forward to. I hate the thought of going out to work full-time..I keep thinking of all the work politics I'm gonna face and I cringe.I don't strive to be at the top of the corporate ladder, really. I'm just happy earning enough to give me the capacity to cover all my expenses, have some savings, buy some stuff I want and travel. Kay I know I'm so not ambitious but whatever. I don't need to earn $15,000 a month. And I look at myself, and I think, so when's Africa coming? I have no idea how this's all gonna work out. How in the world do I go to the nations and reach out to hundreds and thousands when I'm feeling how I'm feeling now? I feel so uninspired. Seriously. Maybe I just feel that I can't give much to God. I have trouble coming up with things that I'm good at. I'm just..I think it's indescribable. I'm not sad. I'm not upset. I'm not angry. I'm not hurt. I don't know what I am. You know what I'm saying? Just uninspired.
I think, I just wanna go home.
I wrote my heart down.
11:34 PM