Perhaps if I was build with a stronger immunity for tough words or callous skin, my life will be slightly easier and maybe I'll like myself a little more.
I wish I wasn't such a wuss, crying over minor things.
I wish I won't feel the way I feel, standing in front of my house and having the same dread i felt the previous day to open the door and walk in.
A little more patience would be nice.
And I just think, and feel so imperfect. They say, that makes us more human. I beg to difer.
I wish I don't feel the need to please people, the need to make people wanna like me.


My mind's filled with liquidated thoughts, floating, flowing through my being.It's not sequential,just shoving each other to get a leeway to being spoken out loud. It's as messy and random as the arrangement of my words.And I'm not sure of what I expect of myself anymore.


and I miss you.I miss you cause you're one of the only people who's so patient with me.and I love you for that.

Here's a short entry before I run off to string the final bits of the video tgt and hopefully do some readings for school (bummer) before work at 4.30. I don't know where to begin honestly. This's gonna explain why I decided to make my blog private. I've always loved sharing my thoughts, rantings with people. I hope that when people hit the backspace or the close button at the top right hand corner, they'll not only understand me a little better,but understand God a little more. But I realised 2 days back that I don't really like sharing my family problems with everyone. If you're in here reading it,it means that I do hold a certain amount of trust for you and you're probably a long-time friend or someone I'm pretty close to.Truth is,I got hit by my dad (not in a bashing kind of sense but he layed his hands on me) and before that I had 2 heated quarrels with my mum. And all I did to be betstowed upon scoldings and hitting was the fact that I came home late(very subjective, but it was 1am.) and I did not operate the bloody VCD player properly. What kind of sick excuse is that to hit me,seriously? I mean he just totally lost control of himself. And here they are, trying to prim me into a what? A goody two shoes who's ultra smart and hardworking and then so bloody perfect cause she always comes home early for dinner and never say a thing to anger her parents. Stays at home long enough to pick up her long strands of hair,wash the dishes, hang up her clothes and clean her room, over and over again and STILL have enough time to ace her studies and not depend on her parents for extra allowance. Right. Please. Take a leaf from reality. Truth is, 20-yr-olds have a life of their own. They're just a year short of being a full-fledged adult. And here you are hitting me,expecting me to cry and beg you not to hit me again and then change for the better?You're pretty damn lucky if I still havent left home with that itself.
I'm 20, I have a thing called pride. You go around screaming at me,asking me to get a stupid admin job cause you don't want me to work at BnJ any longer.Look. Seriously,do you think I enjoy cleaning up someone's dirty serviettes and mopping the floor that much?And do you think I get to be a multi-millonaire after doing these? NO.The truth is i don't want to take so much money from you and that's why I work and study at the same time knowing that my dad's retired and I won't wanna take his money to shop and things like that.So I just take the bare minimum for my transport and to pay for some of my meals. Honestly,I'm quite a lazy bum and if i had the choice and if my family was filthy rich,I won't even work.Just stay at home and edit some videos and sell off my clothes online. Easy stuff. And you don't see that do you? And call me unappreaciative. I'm not anything close to being unappreciative,you're just expecting too much from a 20-yr-old. Period.

I hate the fact the blogger only allows a person to lock the entire blog, unlike LJ where you can select which entries you wanna make private.Cause sometimes you want everyone to read what you have to say, but other times you are seeking for some sort of release and perhaps blogging might be it. But you aren't comfortable with sharing it with everyone.Be it friends,strangers or stalkers. I hope you know where I'm coming from, 'cause that's how I feel right now.


If I could change anything about myself,patience would be it.
It's hard to convince myself that it's alright not to be popular, to have people tagging my tagboard and to have friends commenting on your friendster. Just being honest here.
Sometimes I think that God must think I'm an ungrateful thing after repeating the same mistakes over and over. Until one day He decides to throw a surprise agenda setting meeting,sets the record straight and tells you how He really feels about you.
Perhaps,just perhaps I'm not as confident as I may appear to be.
I do try to make people love me but I don't try to seek unwanted attention really.
For awhile I was on a yacht,taking a breather and everything was going smoothly until the thunderstorm came. And I realise,I'm not as fine as I think I am.
Sometimes you don't get over things and move on,you just try and get used to them.
'papa,do you love me?' I asked the Lord recently,even though I know I shouldn't.
He said,"I loved you when I had you in my mind." way before 1987.
I hate it when I disappoint my parents,even though they have ridiculous expectations of me.
I think about how I think others think of me pretty often.
I do think I get misunderstood by some people. Some think I can't shut up, some think I'm negative and I don't know what else. But I have my quiet moments and I look at a glass and describe it as 'half-filled' instead of it being half empty.So I don't see how I'm a pessimist.
When i sigh,whine or complain,I'm gonna get over it,I'm gonna get things down.But I just need to get it out of my chest.
And if you provoke me enough,I can be pretty darn determine to achieve what I want.
Lastly,I've disappointed a lot of people,I'm disappointed myself.I've made a lot of mistakes. I do think that I don't deserve a lot of things. I dislike myself sometimes. I hate doing things then having the feeling that I've upset someone and then end up feeling like the scum of the earth. Sometimes I hate the things I say to people. Not stuff like 'I hate you' or anything,but it's more like 'damn,you could have been less blunt.' I dislike the fact that I feel the need to be well-liked or popular. I don't like it when I'm misunderstood. But above all my flaws,wrong doings,nonsense, I believe in myself. That eventually I'll be someone that I love. That eventually I will look back at who I was and laugh,and turn and see the Lord smiling at who I am now.

I'm feeling particularly moody today. For about 2 months I was fine. Contributing factors? I can't name a single incident but I guess it's just a build up from little things. From unreplied messages,to worrying over the vodcast,to wondering over the behaviour of a certain friend to pet peeves at work. But I'm sorry,I can't afford to blast off at them.The best I could do is probably mentally kill them and ship them off to the butchers. Does it take a person with an IQ of 180 to know that to dispose anything you had your saliva on that is not a product of Ben and Jerry's?Or is it just plain laziness/inconsideration/ignorance/stupidity? My goodness,the very behaviour of some singaporeans are like fingernails on chalkboard.It breathes down my neck.

and then there're people who go MIA on you after borrowing your hard earned money. And there're not just people.Your supposdly 'best friend.' Borrowing money and then pulls a disappearing act on you when it's time to return.The best thing?It's not the first time and the very soft-hearted friend gives in and hands her the money,convincing herself that this time she's gonna return. but nooo.

and you,you,you,you,you. I don't exactly know what to say next. 'cause saying,typing a 10 pages long letter,telling you in your face doesn't really help anymore.If anything,I'm just as confused.No.The actions makes me confused.

And the vodcast.It's about done right now and I hope that everything falls into place.

And school.Test tomorrow,haven't read a single thing.

Makes me wonder the value of friendships.
Makes me think of the number of friends I can really say I'm close to.
Makes me ponder over a certain relationship.
Makes me wish that i wasn't so busy and stressed up. And not wish that I'm busy when I'm not so busy.
Makes me want to spew some profanities but I can't 'cause it's not right.
Makes me upset that I'm thinking of spewing some profanities.

When your day's spoilt, and when the cardigan falls to the floor you'll wanna rip it apart.

Noise-Pass the hat around by Help she can't swim

Michelle Niam laughed at my pledge of Poverty on Wednesday after I told her I was gonna spend my Topshop voucher. =/ (Apologies for the atrouciously taken photo.)

Rudy was out with us at town yesterday and he was like ‘oh..she’s wants to buy something already.’ I was like ‘noooo..’ and I kept to my word until I entered Queen’s couture and saw the Junk Food t-shirts on 20% discount. =/ (say hi to my new Superman tee)

I came home and went onto MSN and chatted with Prissy. I said, “Pris,I broke my pledge of poverty.” And she replied, “I KNEW IT.” =(

Eh seriously I’m quite sad la. I started calculating my expenses, right down to the chicken cheesesticks I had that day. I spent like $180 for this week alone la!!! Where’s my discipline I wonder? I still have 2 more weeks of May to go…need to be frugal.frugalfrugalfrugalfrugalfrugal.

Still got $300++++ worth of camps to pay for.
For the last time,I’m broke. And I’m pretty darn unhappy with myself. Honestly speaking. I feel really bad about myself now. I think,I've got the makings of being Sophie Kinsella's case study the next time she decides to come up with a new shopaholic series?sighs.My friends need to nag more at me (not that they haven't already done so) the next time I'm caught eating at Pepper lunch and Topshop. :(

Meng and Me yesterday on the way to town. (notice how some people are always caught on camera holding a cigarette?I'm always caught holding a bottle of Green tea.)

See the resemblence, yes?

Prissy and us :) ya ya I know you both have short fringe.hahaha.Should make my way down to the hairdresser's soon. About time I got a haircut anyway.

Right now,I'm gonna get something constructive done and make my day a more useful one by packing my room and trashing out stuff that I wanna sell off. And yes,the video.Stress sia.

The Proper post. (as promised)

Remembered one of the heros of the faith once said when he was fading away, "Never give up. Never,never give up." And there. His much anticipated speech, where hundreds of others were holding out for a piece of wisdom was reduced to a mere 7 words. This race that I'm running is gruelling.More than gruelling, it's excruciating,draining and discouraging.While I'm at it,there dozens of roadblocks,hurdles and a detractor who comes at evey available chance, urging you to throw in the towel. "drop it man, it's not worth your time and life."
Sometimes,when the storms of life tries sweeping me off my feet,I look at the detractor and listen to what he has to say. I weigh it against the countless lessons and values I've learnt from the person who's urging me on in this race.Even if I'm dehydrated,worn out,crippled,I'll run.I'll keep running.I'll keep running in what I believe in.I'll keep running in what I believe in until I know it's time to take a rest.And when the rest comes knocking on my doors, that's when I know, I've fought the good fight and I've kept the faith.

It's been a difficult month for me.I'm struggling to run to the best of my ability,but still, I won't give up.I will fight on.

Post-note:And.....
that made me smile.and left me wondering quite a bit.

Some random musings for the week.I'll blog about something more constructive soon, promise.

1)I'm spending more than I should :(
2)I seriously think that Eisley and The academy is are the most overrated bands. With all the hype abt them,I expected much much more from their music. But some of the bands on Myspace with about 200 fans beat them hands down man.The only saving grace for The academy is is of course,Michael Guy Chisett.(yea being biased here.)
3)I'm really a suckler for "boy meets girl,girl chooses between fiancee and mysterious boy,and ends up with mysterious boy in Montana" kind of books.I can't really read joyluck club or Stephen King and things like that.For someone who likes literature,I think that's really weird.
4)Man looks at the outward appearance. Even if the outward appearance of that particular someone is drop dead gorgeous and she possesses style and attitude, but her inward appearance is of depression and hopelessness.
5)Topshop plays the best music any retail outlet can have.(ie.the flaming lips and the pipettes)
6)I love it when the camera does a close-up shot on Wentworth Miller(gorgeousgorgeousgorgeousgorgeoussssssssssssss) when i'm getting my dose of Prison Break.Meng would agree on this.
7)I pretty much love Uni 'cause I have Van and I know I'm doing something I like.
8)My room is so messy that it's even beginning to get to me.
9)I look nicer in white than black.
10)I get sick of songs quite easily.
11)Working in BnJ makes my life a happier one. (: It's the clouds,cows,patrick the starfish and people I tell you.
12)And on friendster people are always talking about ice cream with me and in church my guy frens are starting to call me and Meng 'the ice cream girls'. -_-
13)My life's pretty simple nowadays, despite the busyness.
14)Sometimes I still suffer from bouts of nostalgia. About? Well,Australia,School,and...

Today was the first day of my Uni's orientation.It was bascially an introduction to Murdoch Uni and of course needless to say,after 10 minutes or so I began staring at the speaker.And I just stared. Vanessa felt the same way as I did.So she did what all bored students did.Note passing.I'm gonna type all of this down 'cause I find it super hilarious. Note that we did this in half an hour while the girl sitted next to us was peeking at our written conversation.

Van:Help.Boring.
Nat:eh I wonder who's in our full-time course.All the ppl here are so old!
Van:Seriously?They look pretty young. Did you hear what she said?Must come tmr=distinction.
Nat:huh..oh man.But I think I need help for my vodcast.
Van:Okay,what time do you need to be at SPH?
Nat:The thing's from 2 to 5p.m.Exactly the same time as the orientation.But I think if it's compulsory then I'll be here.
Nat:Do you think the guy next to me is in our class?hahaha!
Van:you think he's cute?I doubt it.He didn't raise his hand just now
Nat:HAHAHA you noticed too?But he didn't raise his hand either when they asked who's taking commerce.
Van:Ahhh..maybe computer??Geek.I didn't notice until you mentioned.hee.So not that hot la.
Nat:ok la.But he kind of caught my attention.Not that cute la.But above average.
Van:Okay,if you come tmr,maybe he'll be there.So come!
Nat:aiyo you just want me to come la.hahaha.this is so secondary school! (the letter writing thing)
Van:I know.As if.We do this during lecture too la.
Nat:What are they doing tmr?Think that girl beside you is in our class?
Van:Oh yea?(yes her handwriting was this big)
Nat:dunno.asking you.but she was peeking just now.so write smaller.lol.
Van:ok. this small ok.so boring la.
Nat:eh.that guy beside us has to be ard James's age.cause all the guys who are out of poly/JC have to be in NS first.
Van:oh yeah.hee.you...like him la right.
Nat:nooooo.it's just that there're no other cute guys around us.AT ALL.I'm so gonna blog about this.haha!so bimbotic.
Van:LOL!
Van:My parents are here.can't go shopping.sorry.Tmr la!
Nat:Actually I have cell group tmr.But I dont think I can make it in time leh.Ok that's alright.I'll just go to Guess or Dorothy Perkins and get smth nice for her.I think our conversation is damn funny.
Van:I know.I'm going to keep it. :)
Nat:No.Let me blog about it.Then I return to you on Monday.lol!
Van:No...I wanna show Shawn.Lol.
Nat:show on Monday la!hahaha.
Van:Noooo...
Nat:Ok i'm keeping this tonight.you go enjoy yourself with Shawn.I'll pass this to you tmr.Lol.so we going shopping tmr?
Van:Aiya.No I bring tmr.
Nat:Tmr!
Van:As if!
Nat:I'm coming.I've decided.
Van:Just to see the cute guy right?Nonsense!
Nat:nooooo.and must you write this in font size 96?!
Van:HAHA!!
Nat:Basket!
Van:font size 10000

and yes,in the end I got to bring back the piece of paper to blog abt it.Think i'm gonna photocopy a copy and frame it up.what do you all think?haha!After Van went to meet Shawn and her parents,I bumped into Nam,RJ and Joey and I hanged around with them at Cathy's Starbucks.AND I SAW THE GIRL THAT SAT NEXT TO VAN AKA THE GIRL WHO WAS PEEKING AT OUR WRITTEN CONVERSATION.hahahaha.I'm so sure she's in our class.Van is sure of it too.We're pretty jinxed,I think.ok kidding.

Sometimes I wish my parents will learn the definition of leaving me alone. I don't do drugs and I don't go around getting wasted. I don't watch the TV, not really. So I find my entertainment in music and using the internet. They are the only 2 people in the world who see a fault in them. I can't turn on the hi-fi for 15 minutes without having them saying something about it being too loud or noisy. I can't use the internet for more than 2 hours without them coming into my room(more like barging)and nag/raise their voice at me,asking me to turn off my comp.EVERY SINGLE DAY.
I just told my mum off. And it's her birthday today. But I do think that she needs to know when to leave me be. I don't question her about spending 3 hours infront of the black box everyday,so why in the world does she bugs me so much about using the internet ya da ya da? I'm 20, I've got a brain that I do use once in a while,if you haven't noticed. And I do need my space,and my much appreciated privacy.

Now, pass me that 'do not enter' sign.