Today's zone service was really different. I love it when we slip into a routinal mode and God shows up and surprises. 'cause that's who He is. He hates religiousity and sick cycle carousels. I hate it too. But I can't believe how weak-hearted I've become. Such a far cry from how I used to be a few years ago. Shuning at the slightest hint of trouble. Running from problems. I saw how poly changed me and wore me out. From coursemates who are too critical about my character to insecurities. Then it turned to hurts and scars. They dried up but didn't die out. It's still somewhere, lurking around, waiting to strike at my most vulnerable. Then I have a head-on battle with myself. I kick myself sometimes for being who I am 'cause I speak too fast, faster than I can think. I kick myself for holding on to things. I kick myself for worrying too much. I kick myself for not letting the past go. That is my sick cycle carousel. They make revolutions around my head. But not for long. Even as my bro prayed for me 2 weeks back, he said that adjustments are gonna be made in my life. I'm at this phase where things are being dealt with, stubborn stains that have been there for too long and adamant to stay. I do think it's not going to be an easy year, where God will demand things from me that I'm unwilling to let go of. A year where I have to stand up and fight. I'm going to struggle but I won't stumble. It's going to be victorious.

P/S: Passerby always runs away when I ask who he/she is. weird. and the person's so interested in my life that I'm convinced he/she knows me personally. But at least I don't have anonymous taggers coming around telling me to shut up or that I'm fat or something. For which I'm glad.

So yesterday marked my last day of school. Unlike 3 years ago, I didn't feel the same sadness, I didn't have the same worries and I'm not nostalgic. Honestly, my poly education ended almost too quickly and perhaps the only thing I feel right now is 'where do I go from here?' The same question that has been in my head for the past few months. Finally, I really need to sit down and contemplate about things and pray about it.

Right now though, my short-term plans are,
1) Work more and save up
2) Get rid of dark circles ):
3) Rest
4) Bangkok with brother and friends and probably Japan with family. I have yet to mention it to them though. Or, what about Europe?
5) Learn the guitar
6) Catch up with some people whom I haven't seen in ages i.e Maybelline, Class of 2003 (4H)

Speaking of which, I was heading home in a cab last night when this driver from the car next to mine started waving to me. I couldn't recognised him and I was thinking 'sia la, which mat is this trying to disturb me?' Then these 2 guys from the backseat started waving damn excitedly to me as well. I stared at them for 3 seconds and realised that they were none other than Syed and Zul. haha! The whole gingang of them were in the car. What a way to bump into them. lol.

This week was a real busy one, rushing the last of projects and fatigue was getting to me. However, I still had time for some friends.
Valentine's Day: Girls night out at Isaiah's house took a turn and became guys' night out instead 'cause of overwhelming response from the girls and self-invitations from the guys. Eventually it became a normal hang-out session again with regular visitors, Gerard,Kenneth,Elisha,Kwok Seng,MengYe and me amongst others. We rented 3 DVDS, namely, 'high school musical' (not my choice but we thought the younger girls will like it), 'just like heaven' and 'my best friend's wedding.' We took them out and asked the guys to pick one and they swiftly turned to Xbox and played Fifa instead. I wonder why. Stayed over with Sarah, Mich and the guys.

Thursday: Went to fetch Cherish from the airport with Di and Sha. Cher was jet-lagged and extremely hot and dinner was ice kachang, bo-bo cha cha, sea coconut and ice logan. Then, they went back to gramp's house while me and bffl headed to TM's cartel and had fudge cake. Of course, the best part wasn't the cake but rather the company and conversation. I could sit at the void deck and enjoy myself just as much. (: Man, i'm so glad that Cher is back, after 4 long years. It's weird though, when I saw her I felt like she never left.

Yesterday: School, work, then supper with Kwokseng and Jingwei.

Today: Finally decided to take my Napfa test and I'm sad to announce that after 3 years of not exercising, I have degraded from gold to a 'participated in Napfa test'. Damn! And guess what? I failed by 8 seconds. Think I should join bffl for jogs soon. But of course she'll run from tampines to Elias mall and meet me at Macs, have breakfast, then we'll run together. NO WAY AM I GONNA RUN FOR 2.5 HOURS. haha!


But right now, as in NOW, I have to spring clean the rest of my room and change for reunion dinner.Yikes, I better hurry.It's 7.15 alreadyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

I was just surfing through Cloud9's photobucket. Oh my goodness we really did such crazy stuff and some of us really looked sooo different! lol. I had a ball of a time laughing at the photos. Aiyah, when poly is out we can,shall,will and MUST have an outing!!



Christmas 2003


The Power Fart Girls. lol.


Prom night 2003
(:


Was this when I came back from Perth?


Bell and Eun. Yea tt's how much Eun adores her.


Mustard sauceeeeeeee.They were too hungry.


I think this was some 4G gathering. I was the extra.


I spent 2 minutes laughing at this photo.
HAHAAHAHAHAHA.


Bell trying to strangle darling Eunice.


Night self study! (not that we studied much)


All of us with the exception of Cher


Me and the BFFFL


Neoprintsssss! We have tons of them.


Di say I step dye hair but no colour come out. Sad Sia. This was after Os.

Told you I have crazy friends.



Alright, looking at these photos make me miss you girls too much. PLAN THAT OUTING ALREADY!!!!

So some adjustments are needed in my life in 2007.
I still don't exactly know what they are and honestly I'm a little scared.
Will it ask too much of me? Can I give it up?
I know all things will work out eventually. Call me faithless, but i just can't see it now.

You know why I cried when I was told to stay in Singapore? Maybe 'cause I was looking so much for an escape. An escape to my problems, an escape to living the life that I'm living. I want a fresh beginning so much. I want to finally experience living on my own, having new friends, having nobody to judge me on what I did and of course, to live in somewhere I've always wanted to live. I want to cruise down the winding roads, feel the cool breeze against my skin and warmth from the sun on my face.

I'm not saying that my friends suck. I do think I have the best friends anyone can ever have. Or friends for that matter. I do thank God for loads of ppl. Cloud 9, my church friends in particular, for being who they are and always so accepting of me, my cell group who is my second family, my closer secondary school friends and some other people i've got to know along the way. But I wanna jet off to some faraway country to take a breather. A long breather. And hope with crossed fingers that some memories will fade like those yellowed dog-earred pieces of paper you have lying somewhere in the room. Not only that, it's something I've always always wanted to do. It's a dream. And dreams are there to be fulfilled. I have a long list of dreams for myself and of course, God. Some are known to my friends, some are only mentioned in the prayer closet.

But you know what I think? Some dreams have to be given up in order for bigger ones to be realised. If I have to give up going to Aussie 'cause God has something in stored for me in Singapore, then I'll stay. "My will is to do the will of my Father's," said Jesus. I'm 19, going on 20. I do believe there's another 50 years or so for me. In these 50 years, I see myself writing for magazines. I see myself in Africa. I see myself helping kids fulfil their dreams. The list will grow. In whatever I do, I wanna be God driven. I may be going through a phase right now and handling some issues I have, but I won't falter or turn away. I won't, but I'll stand firm on where I've placed my values upon, and I won't let go of what I know to be true. Even though I have my tough times, I won't forget the One who gave me a hope to live, the One who showed me what true love meant.

:)

Lastly, thank you. To all my friends who have spent time with me, listening to me whine about stuff, hearing my worries and encouraging me. The late-night suppers, small talks, outings, walks at the Esplanade are not forgotten. I appreciate each and every one of you.

Despite the endless deadlines and countless articles I have to churn out, I'm still here typing with relative ease. I have to say that i'm taking things a step at a time. In terms of dealing with issues and handling my school work. But I'm coping well, if I do say so myself. Not much emo nights, maybe 'cause I occupy myself with enough company and stuff to do so my mind won't drift somewhere else.

Charles mentioned about learning to trust God yesterday. I wonder how many times I've said I trusted God and really did so without having the slightest doubt? Many times I say a prayer that goes something like this: 'Lord, teach me to learn how to trust you in this area.' or 'Lord, I want to have faith that you're gonna do this and I know that everything is in your hands and I shouldn't worry.' But I think I've never told God that I trusted Him completely. Even if the odds seemed to be against me. Even if it seemed that nothing was happening. I'm learning though. Slowly but surely.

I feel that this has been a good week. My countenance has lit up quite a bit.
Monday and Tuesday were projects days. Wednesday was work day plus supper with BFFFL. Thursday was crazy project day and wanting-to-burn-my-laptop day. Friday was shopping day with Trena and the BFFFL and Meet-the-ex-Siglapians day. Honestly. The 3 of us were at town and we bumped into Fahmi,Ian,Fadhil and Raq one after another. Weird. But great seeing them all the same. Saturday was cell day. I really think that we're a family. It's funny 'cause I was previously in another cell for about 3 years straight and I didn't feel such closeness as I do with my current cell. Then again, it may be because I feel much more integrated in Generations and the church now. Today was church day and Coffee bean with friends and soccer at Isaiah's place day. I've never felt such patriotism for Singapore in my life or rather, such a love for soccer before. Catching soccer with the guys is really quite an interesting thing. It brings out the funniest and worst in them. Lol. But ay, all of us including the girls were shouting as well. You get hyped up after awhile. (:

Tmr will be go to school for 4 hour lunch break day and hopefully Sakae Sushi buffet day. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my tutor will let us off early. Tuesday will be waking up at 5.30 to send Charles off day. Goodness I haven't woke up so early since Siglap days but sometimes it feels good to know that you kick start the day fresh. And back then nothing beats having friends to look forward to when you're leaving the house before sunrise. But we'll leave that for some other time yea?

For now I'm bowing out and making a beeline for my bed 'cause I slept at 5 yesterday just to complete Charles's video and I was out till 2 on Friday with Di. So i'm reeeeally drained. Here's to a less stressful and better week ahead. (yea I'm still trying to convince myself)

Much Love from an exhausted but generally happy Nat. *grins*