Last night while waiting to drift off to sleep, I took a long forgotten stroll along a once familiar place. A place I spent few years of my life at. This time though, it was void of excitement and chatter. I, and I alone was walking through memory lane. I walked pass the place where we catch up with our friends in the mid-day. I reached the basketball court, and silhouettes began playing in my head. The friendly matches and the class practices were being remembered. I saw the field where we would run and the guys would play soccer. The memories rose from the ashes and I teared. I can't recall being this happy when I bidded goodbye to that place. Every morning was a social gathering. I missed the feeling of having flutters in my guts whenever the guy I am crushing on walked pass. A juvenile reaction at its best while growing up. I remembered crying when the guy I liked rejected me. I remembered fights with my best friends and childish riffs with other girls. I remembered lugging a huge backpack and waiting for 53 before sunrise. I remembered the fun we all had during bio lab lessons. I remembered, I remember. Last night I took a walk to the place where we would sweat under the hot sun, with you. This time the day was late and it was just the both of us reminiscing on the past. I remembered tearing and you were comforting me. For the loss of good times. For the loss of such feelings. Then, I raised my fingers and they touched the moist corners of my eyes. Nostalgia never lost its touch on me. Was there even a time when I was really in secondary school, carefree and honestly happy? I've forgotten how it feels. All I know is it's at the back of my mind and I'm clinging on to every thing I can remember about those few years. So i won't forget that once upon a time, I know happiness. That once upon a time, I got to know my best friends from this particular place. That once upon a time, the person I like would walk me to school and teased me like all my other classmates do. Memories.


On a sidenote, welcome home BFFFL. (:

it's 1.30a.m. on a Thursday night and I just thought about something again.

Have you ever wondered why people can pucker up such courage to end their lives but they can't find the strength to face their problems?

I am suddenly reminded of this story that a preacher once told us. He said that during his quiet time everyday God would ask him to pray for an hour against this particular wall. So he starts speaking in tongues for an hour. After a few weeks of that, his neighbours came to his house and they asked if they could dine together. So the preacher said yes. At the dinner table they didn't say anything and the preacher wondered why they would asked him out for dinner and didn't wanna talk. Finally he asked, 'do you mind if i talk about God?' They replied,'that was what we were here for.' So he shared with them about Jesus. After that they accepted Christ and the neighbour's daughter spoke up.'I've been battling with depression for the past 3 months and I just feel like ending it all.Everyday I just feel like killing myself. At night when I'm in my room, I will hear you speaking in that funny language of yours and somehow I feel like I can live for another day." Amazing isn't it?


Sometimes I seriously feel like ending it all as well. As in, I just want the world to stop. Either that I just wanna go home. Go back to a much better somewhere..where there's worship and joy abundant. Where I'll meet God. Sometimes I just want God to take me home. That's when I feel like everything's too much to bear. But thank God that at the end of the day, the slightest thing like precious photos and talking to my mum cheers me up. Thank God for good friends who counsel me and love me for who I am. Thank God for my wonderful cell group which I love to bits. And for that, I could hold on for a little while more. But of course, nothing beats talking to God Himself. I love the fact the I don't have to go into His presence with pretense or as a religious act. I love the fact that I could just tell Him that my day sucked and He wouldn't take a rod and give me a disapproving glare. I love the fact that there's liberty in God's presence. I love the fact that when I feel like my world is tumbling I can hold on to Jesus, the solid Rock. I love the fact that I can weep for an hour but feel His comfort. There's nothing greater than knowing Jesus. As cliche and cheesy as it might sound, I really CAN live without many things but I can't live without God.

My blog..is really an avenue to vent things out. Just look at what I wrote. Any passer by would be depressed after reading what I wrote for the past month. This is what I have to say. Forget about the 'I wish i was less complicated and feeling less frustrated.' thoughts. I cannot put it down to words anymore. After this post, there will be no more emo posts. NO MORE. I had enough. And I think everybody have. I'm gonna pick up things from where it left off, brush off the dust and move on. I'm not saying I won't be sad..hmm..but I should try and think more happy thoughts. And be more like myself. Cause it seems like when I'm happy, nothing can get me down. But when i'm upset, the slightest criticism leaves me in tears. That sucks. But to everyone who's reading this, this is really what I have to say here. (points below)

I really wish that I can explain myself to you. really really. But the words came out wrong and the damage is done. I wanna explain, but I get tongue-tied.

You know what I really want?

I just want things to return to where it used to be. Then I try. But I don't know if I'm doing it right.
There was once upon a time where we could talk for 6 hours without feeling bored. Without you feeling awkward. Without me being upset or jealous. Just talking like how good friends do. That's where I want things to be.

Don't know if you're reading this, but I do love you as my friend. And if i'm gonna be your friend, I want to be a good one. (:

Some days I feel like everything's alright. In the comfort of my friends, the world's at my fingertips and all fluffed-up. I don't feel alone. Some days, I just feel that it's all spiralling downwards. I KNOW I'm loved. I KNOW I shouldn't be feeling upset. I KNOW that it's not worth crying over it and it's about time to move on. But feelings ARE feelings. I can't help it when I laugh, neither can I control myself when I'm sad. Right now I'm frustrated. Frustrated that I feel upset. Frustrated that I can't get over this. Frustrated that I'm not strong enough to put up a brave front and show you that I'm fine. Frustrated with feeling frustrated. Frustrated that I feel like I messed things up. Frustrated that I fcel that it's all my fault. Frustrated that I feel that I'm not good enough.

It's only 10.10p.m. Please tell me how I'm gonna get through tonight. and I HATEHATEHATE feeling emo. Today is Some Day. I'm frustrated. I'm sad. I'm emo. I'm stressed up. WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY??? I wanna tell myself to screw off for being such a pain.

Sad eyes, please rest. Please.

it's always hard when you're presented with only 2 options. A 'go' or 'no-go'? A definite 'yes' or 'no'?
It won't help if I shut my mouth and refuse to commit to any of those. Here's the senario. I've an opportunity to go to Perth to study. It's something I've dreamt of doing since I reached my adolescent years. BUT I'm not that rich and I have responsibilities here. In my church and family.
The thing is, I don't wanna look back 10 years later when I have a stable job and say 'I wished I had gone to Australia to study for the experience. Now I will never know how it's like.' And I don't wanna tax my parents too much on my expenses. So what now? Decisions decisions. I'm confused, but I do know one thing. Psalm 23:1. The Lord is my Shepherd. The Shepherd leads His sheep home always.

I feel like I'm at this huge field covered with pretty little flowers and I'm ready to take flight. I flapped my wings, but alas. I glanced down and saw weights holding me down. All I needed to do was to reach down and detach them from my ankles. I yanked them off and looked up, all ready to take flight, once again. This time though, nothing's holding me down but the wings drooped and I'm not sure if I really wanna do this anymore.

NYE photos are UPPPP!!



Me, Sarah. She loves this pic. I think it's nice but I look tired.


The guys are dorks. hahahaha. The girls are re-tarded.


Rub his abs for good luck?


JUST LOOK AT CHARLES. (Biege Jacket)


Group shot. But a couple of them weren't in the pic.


Kwok Seng, me, Mich and Sarah. Kwok Seng why look so out of place?lol.


IT IS 2007. WE ARE DELIRIOUS.


And last but not the least! Half of Gen 5.2 ladies and gentlemen. ((((: Special Guest: Nihm (Nam's lil sis) And Unwanted Guest: Michelle NIAM. Cause she is actually from 5.3. hahaha.

So a group about 10 of us went to City Hall after church last week to take photos. We walked from Esplanade where it was jam packed with people to the bridge near Fullerton where we stayed for awhile snapping pictures and talking. After which, we headed back to church for Watch night and went berserk when it struck 12. Basically we danced and jumped around and hugged people along the way for almost an hour before they decided to close the church 'cause if they don't, the songs will never stop, the worship leaders can't go home and everyone will start giggling. You get the drift. BUTTT of course from the audi to the entrance of Odeon Katong we took photos and stalled there for somemore. Then finally, we got moving and headed to Seng Hoi San for chicken rice at 1.15a.m. Great time for greasy and fattening food, seriously. So when me,Mich and Sarah reached Seng Hoi San most of them were already there and let's just say we got a lot of attention 'cause there were about 40 of us there? After a very nice plate of chicken rice (when you havent eaten anything since 4pm, just about anything would taste heavenly) and salad you tiao (yumyum), at 2.40a.m we decided to call it a night and headed home. I didn't know how long the rest took to wait for cabs since there were so many of us, but thank God Weizheng drove so we hitched a ride from her. So there. I didn't squeezed with the crowd this year, went crazy with the rest of Singapore counting down at Vivo or Sentosa, danced and got wasted at clubs, but i had the best NYE this year. (:


YAY! Actually there are more photos in Weizheng's camera but they haven't been uploaded it so these are all I have so far.

Again,I've been thinking this week. Especially after my cell's interns meeting yesterday I think a lightbulb went off me. I asked myself 'do I really want to live 2007 like how I am doing so now?' And I decided that nope, i'm not gonna do that. Sure, I faced some issues that affected me but who doesn't? I'm not saying that these things are gonna be eradicated within an instant. If anything, they still affect me. But I'm not gonna let them take control of my life or how I feel and act. 2006 wasn't a great year and I'm letting it go. I won't bring my mistakes, regrets and bitterness to 2007. If there's an excuse for moving on, blame it on the new year 'cause everyone have since linked it to new beginnings. So I wrote down a list of things I look forward to this year and things I wanna do before I am dead.hahaha.

This Year,
1) I'm blocking off any insecurities and bitterness
2) I'm gonna graduate and I shall embrace my future. Whether it is in S'pore or Perth.
3) is a year of building and moulding characters.
4) I'm excited for Generations and to see what God is gonna do in our youth ministry.
5) I'm joining the creative arts ministry and doing what I like, designing!
6) I WILL STOP WORRYING!
7) I'm coming to a place of intimacy with Jesus.
8) Yes I will learn how to play the acoustic guitar. I've said it for way too long. So YES I WILL LEARN HOW TO PLAY THE ACOUSTIC GUITAR!
9) Spend more time in doing things I like.E.g writing, photography,desigining,learning to play the guitar..
10) I will tame my temper.
11) Love people more. Especially if they are hard to love.
12) Pray more. Read more.
13) Try to shorten my shopping lists. Just try la.
14) Gonna try to travel more if I'm not going perth.
15) Go for mission trips.


Before I am dead I will,
1) Visit Negara falls and the Grand Canyon
2) Write a book
3) Be a magazine journalist
4) Visit all the continents in the world. Maybe except Antartica.
5) Go Bungee Jumping
6) Try Paragliding
7) Serve in Africa
8) Get married
and many more.The list will grow.

Lifehouse

'Blind'

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like it was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

After all this why
Would you ever wanna leave it
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you will ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

I wonder who the songwriter wrote this song for.

4 years ago..
You got me hooked on msn.
Got closer to many of my classmates.
I had the best year of my life.

3 years ago..
Had the best time with my girls
Went into Poly and got a culture shock and was depressed for the first 3 months.
And then I started talking to you again.

2 years ago..
Went aboard for the first time without my parents.

in 2006..
Maybe unknowingly you drifted from me.
Was very melacholic

This year,
I will let you drift from me if you really want to.
I may be going away and I'm not sure if I really want to.

But most importantly, I wanna look back at the end of 2007 and say that I have no regrets.