it's hello and goodbye once too soon

2008-02-29T13:56:00.002+08:00

I've semi permanently moved to Killerblueskies.livejournal.com. So BnJ girls, cloudies, church friends, random stalkers, say hello there. It's partially locked though.Leave a comment to be added.

GO GO! See you there.

p/s: I'll still do occasional updates here. :)

2008-02-01T22:35:00.000+08:00

Switchfoot.
You know what I'm gonna say next. You didn't think I would waste my $55 for nothing, did you? I'm a huge music junkie, but I do choose concerts carefully cause I'm not rich enough and I don't want to go for a gig that I know I won't enjoy. I've only been to 2 paid gigs in my entire life (more to come I'm sure), but I can safely say that Switchfoot is and will be one of the best concerts I've been to. You know, pure rock and roll will get everyone hyped up and mosh each other's guts out, and many bands can do that. I just love how Jon foreman could sing a rock anthem, then belt out an acoustic song next with such ease. Twice he leaped off the stage and came up the barricade to grab our hands and sang to us. Twice I was so close to holding it but to no avail. But that's alright, really.I've gotten over it. The first time he came up, the crowd went into a huge frenzy and screamed their lungs out when
he grabbed their hands. Or rather, just seeing him a few metres from them had them screaming away. I was a victim of the screaming match as well, cause my hands were like 10cm away from his HELLO! Anyways, he sang the chorus of 'this is your life' when he was holding the many fans' hands. You might go,' cool.that's a sight to behold', but it's more than that. At some points during the gig, I could only stand and stare at Jon foreman, cause his sincerity for us shone through. There are many bands who could show off excellent guitat riffs, out-of-this-world drum solos and stuff, but you know they're just doing their job as a rock star. I've not met a band so far, who have such great chemistry and you know they're not trying to display their wonderful technicalities but connect with the audience with their music. Many christians have said that they have gone mainstream and therefore are secular. Others said they want to appeal to the mass and not just christians to increase album sales. All I have to say to these comments is 'small thinking.' Cause if you've watched them last night like I did, you would know that they mean every word they sing and play. They're out here to make good, positive music which is so lacking in the secular music industry and I don't think they care too much about making big bucks. Cause if they do, why else would they perform to school students for free and do things like how they've been doing? I was just blog and website surfing, and I learn more and more that, to be a christian does not mean you have to go around telling people you're saved. I like the way christians from other nations think. Sometimes all we do is just sit around and criticise and try to fit christians in a box. 'Oh, this is how christian music and art needs to be done.' Whoever said positive music needs to only appeal to christians? whoever said songs written with all honesty means that these guys are backsliding and are not living like christians? These few weeks, I have been hearing many messages about how being christians is basically living like an ordinary person with Jesus inside. We do not go around wearing white to signify we're pure and live a holy life. Being a christian does not mean I do not go through the same problems my other friends do. It also does not mean I'm always happy, and I don't have any questions for God. I do, even though we should try to live with utmost joy in us. Being a christian does not mean I do not feel discouraged, or it's wrong that I should feel this way. More and more, I also learn that being a christian does not mean we put on a religious facade and go around listing 'DOs' and 'DON'Ts' or acting like you're perfect just because you're saved when you're not. It's about learning, falling, immensing yourself in God, learning about amazing grace and love, trying to be a better person, more failures, catching yourself when you fall, letting God deal with us, trying to hold onto Jesus when all the world's upside down, learning to love people, being honest about your mistakes, know that you're human and you will disappoint but with each time try not to make the same mistakes, living a transaparent life and finally, living a victorious life through Christ Jesus. I try to be as honest as possible. And that's why I like Jon foreman. I know he does not put up a religious front but has Jesus inside from the way he sings his songs and looks at people with sincerity and hear what they have to say in the middle of the gig. I know he's a christian from the way he talks about seeing change and living our lives well. I was talking to a friend after the gig and said I liked it when he played '24' on his acoustic guitar. And my non-christian friend replied, 'I know! I almost cried when he sang it.'

I find myself standing and staring at him play his guitar at times while others are trying to snap a decent shot of him, because I'm sure what he's singing was touching some hearts.

2008-01-31T11:00:00.000+08:00

Just when I thought things couldn't get much worse, they got better. They're like consolation prizes. Makes you feel a little more esteemed than the day before. Anyways, before I talk about that, I'll let you in on what made things worse. 2 days ago my dad almost slapped me again. I have no idea why I'm typing this out now. I went into my room straight away after that and was sobbing my eyes out and I was about to post this angry entry about him. I almost did. Isaiah once asked me 'how often do you blog?' I told him whenever I had something to say. And he went 'but you always have something to say.' I know he meant it as a joke,. but I really think so. As in, I convey my thoughts as words much better. So this is where I write about my day, my opinions,worries,grievances,dreams and happy thoughts.As weird as it might sound, the first thing I did after I almost got slapped is to blog. And I'll just clear the air right now. No, I didn't go out to get pregnant. All I did was to ask if I could work on the second day of CNY if they weren't going anywhere. And a rant went into many false accusations, I defended myself, which led to even more accusations and eventually my dad who has a serious anger management problem,started shoving me and wanted to slap me. Obviously my self-denfense mechanism activated the screaming mode. Cause it's not the first time. Do all parents think that their children are all out to aggravate them and to go against their will? I mean, when I asked if I could work, my dad was like 'why?Are you trying to say I don't give you allowance?Are you trying to disgrace me by working on CNY?People who see you will think you're so hard up for cash.' To say the least, all he cares about, is himself. I wasn't even thinking about him, for crying out loud. What's so disgraceful about working on CNY, can someone enlighten me on this? I have never seen someone with such warped mentality and still thinks he's right about everything he says. They said I was rude. LOOK, if you have been reasonable, there's no reason why I would retaliate. You bloody wanted to slap me because I asked a simple yes/no question and your warped mentality told you I had something up my sleeves.And yesterday, they acted as though this never happened. Seriously, I have a good mind not to be civil about this but so far my patience has enabled me to do so. Let's see how far this can go.

Right.We've talked about the worst, the consolations?
1)I aced my Journalism and Society module. After getting a Pass for Media Law and Credit for PR, I finally got a Distinction in Journ. At least I'm decent at what I think I'm good at.
2)And I'm catching Switchfoot in about 9 hours! Not forgetting that my parents (at least my dad) will be asleep by the time I'm back so one less day to fret over.

2008-01-27T23:11:00.000+08:00

I've been wavering the past few days. I stand in this imaginery confession box and admit that I'm still weary and apprehensive about some things. I'm mad,and hurt and disappointed. I still am. There are things I hope I'll get to say someday, when I get the chance to. During praise and worship I couldn't lift my feet off the ground, my hands and heart heavy.
I shut my eyes. nope, still nothing.
'worthy is the lamb, sitted on the throne. crown you now with many crowns, you reign victorious.'
worthy.
Is Jesus worthy of my praise even when things go wrong?
'Yes..but I'm half-hearted, I'm boiled down by so many problems. It's so hard.'
'thou art worthy'
Excuses aside, my feelings does not change the fact that Jesus,who's the lamb that was slain, is less worthy of my praise just because I'm down and out. Even during the song, I was reminded of Job. I guess it was not easy for him to raise his hands and worship the Lord. Maybe his hands were heavier. I don't think he understood what was happening to him either. But what he had was discipline. Discipline to know who His God is and to submit his emotions to Him. Discipline to know that whatever comes His way, Jesus is still worthy to be praised. My God's faithfulness never fails and my obligation is to be faithful in my walk with Him. Now that we've got that sorted, Chin up and move forward.

p/s: I don't feel like dancing by scissor sisters is such a catchy song and the guy's high pitch voice is pretty hilarious but it suits the mood and song.

p/p/s: I miss Marisa.and Jon. and Est. and Diana.arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

2008-01-26T01:12:00.000+08:00

I got to meet best friend briefly before class on Wednesday. Finally.
I now know why I miss my good friends so much when I don't see or talk to them. It's not only the bond, but it's also when you realise they're the ones whom you feel comfortable in your own skin with.

2008-01-23T00:11:00.000+08:00

I'm really upset.
Period.

2008-01-17T00:24:00.000+08:00

If we will live each day self-scarificially, with a clear purpose and vision in mind and we look at people with eyes of love, we can change the world.

2008-01-13T01:24:00.000+08:00

Really random thoughts and happenings.

-I haven't been sleeping well at all, for the past few days. It's like my mind is semi-conscious and even after 10 hours of sleep I still feel extremely tired. Sighs.

-I reallllllly wanna catch Switchfoot live.

-This year, I'm gonna live instead of just existing or breathing on maintenance mode.

-Inspired vintage bucket bags are so over the top with Singaporean kids already. We really do need some originality.

-my results suck.

-I don't think I'm outgoing or sociable like how friends have labeled me to be. I actually kind of hate social functions where I have to talk to people whom I've never met before.

-NS really puts a distance between friends/girlfriends or boyfriends/family.

-I'm really glad my best friends and I are meeting more often than I would expect to see them, which is awesome.

-Can't hardly wait for Perth.

-I hate feeling/being left out. whether or not it's deliberate or accidental.

2008-01-07T23:15:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Breaking witness by collective soul

Hello world and 2008. I still can't really believe you're here. This is the year I'm supposed to get my lock and key but I feel like I could still afford a few more years to be young. Was packing my room just a few hours ago and it looks much cleaner and livable now. Many times when cleaning my room I'll stop at some point to examine a certain item and it reminds me of an incident or a phase in my life. Secondary school seems so long ago..really really long ago.

sighs. the free days. This phase of my life is so congested.
I've wondered when I was younger why the elderly would reminise about the past. I thought they had lived a life of regrets or something. But perhaps the days of your youths are when you live like how you want to live,imagine and dream wildly. Before punches start coming in. I know I'm not old, yet I'm taking in the start of the end of my youth. Such a strange feeling. Seeing my good friend moan about working life reminds me in about a year's time I'll do the same as well.
That's when I itch to escape..to grab hold of my wings and backpack and escape. Travel like I don't have a care in the world. A nice thought.

Watching your friends grow and they are different from what they used to be. I don't mean it in a negative way, cause normally when we say people change, we make it sound like it's a bad thing. It's not, it's just inevitable. When they start thinking differently, you can't help but drift apart. It's strange when you stop talking to a friend whom you used to tell secrets to. cest la vie.
Old photos remind me of good times with these people, but thankfully no, I don't feel hurt or disappointed that they're not part of my life anymore..it just happens, you know?

Yea..I'm just typing random, pensive thoughts out. Meeting Gloria tomorrow...and that's when you stop, snap back and embrace the people who are in your life now.

2008-01-01T16:49:00.000+08:00

010108
Genesis.
My phone battery is running low, I've just wasted half my day doing nothing substantial at Trena's place (still am, actually), oh and yes Happy New Year.
Though I'm not exactly the happiest person on earth right now, with very slight consolations such as new year wishes from people that matter and good company. i.e. the girls.
other than that, whoopdedoo it's 2008.

*edit
I'm sitting here thinking I should have something more to say 5 hours later. 2007 went back too quickly. If I could sum these 365 days up, I still wished I had more time. I remember having a meeting with my bro, Nam, Charles and Sarah at the beginning of 07..and my bro asked what we wanted to get out of the new year. My reply was to reach a place of intimacy with God. Well? Nope, I have not. My relationship was hindered by problems, disappointments, restraints coupled by excuses. Towards the end of each year, this certain sense of dread takes over, as though I'm about to enter into the classroom to collect my end-of-year results slip.Especially when I know I did not study as hard as I should have. Likewise, in December each year, I know there are some things I havent done or achieved and they're constant reminders I feel in my bones. I'm sitting here thinking, when will I get through an entire year and think back feeling relieved and exhilarated knowing I have done what I was supposed to do well? I find myself thinking if I have wasted a year of my life, if I do live a purposeful life at all. But despite all these feelings and thoughts, I'm undetered. As much as I want to set resolutions for myself and a vision and goal for 2008, I don't want to end up failing to meet up to my crazy expectations. Yet, I need a certain direction and motivation. In one of my previous entries, I wrote about one of my struggles in 2007. I really thank God for bringing me through something that have troubled me for a long time. This year,(or last)I learnt how to be a blessing to others, through my actions and speech especially. It's absolutely fulfilling when I know I have imparted something positive and valuable to my friend. We have too many people in our lives who do thrash talks and stupid acts, but very few can be people we share our thoughts and dreams with. And by that, I mean really sharing and knowing that person won't laugh. I mean, the last thing I want to become is a nag without a sense of humour. That's not what I mean. But rather, someone who you can laugh and be silly with, and yet that same person can inspire and impart. I have some of these people in my life, and I'm grateful for them. And there are some friends you really stick with through thick and thin. They may not be inspiring, they may not share the same values even, but they are people who you are entirely comfortable with, as though they are blood related siblings. There are some people you love chilling out with, and there are some you call when you want to do some shopping. At least, my friends are like that. I don't share some of my secrets with my best friends, but to my good friends. I don't shop with my best friend, but I'll make time to hang out at Starbucks with her anyday. I share many of my thoughts and dreams with my church friends, but they're not my closest friends. Weird? Maybe. Come the end of each year, it's also a time of thanksgiving. You look back and be thankful for the good things and lessons learnt from the bad. The beginning of '07 was really awful for me. But eventually, I learnt a lesson from it and me and Jon are much better friends now than we were the previous year. He's practically my best friend (ok not quite, Diana and the girls definitely come first.) except that we don't shop together and we don't have lingerie talks. But whenever I need an outlet, or to say something completely random, I know who to talk to. My girls (Cloud 9) are one of the best things that have happened in my life. We are the weirdest combination of friends ever, we practically have nothing in common except that we were from the same secondary school. But we make the best friends. You've heard many times that we find our refuge in God, but whenever I need away from school, horrible days and problems, they're my physical form of refuge. I know I can count on them and I'm absolutely myself when I'm with them. No facades. Diana has been MIA a lot this year but I really, really miss her. (like mad sia, like she would say) There are days when I feel so shit, I just need to talk to her but she's hardly a phone call away cause there's no freaking number to call. ARGH. So I have to pathetically resort to Myspace which me and the girls have been doing. Was at Trena's place last night for sleepover and almost the whole of today and some of us were looking through albums and our photobucket and everything is so poigant.I mean, from crazy trouble makers, to mugging for Os, to playing pool and mahjong, to seeing us graduate from poly one after another and even working full-time now, is simply amazing. The blog that I have now is started because we wanted to keep in touch with each other, though hardly anyone blogs regularly now.hmmm.I'm waffling abit and I'm acutely aware that this's a really long entry, but if you're bored then why have you even read till here?HAHAHA. yea, and so seeing old photos of my girls and I are really nostalgic but it makes me so proud that we've such a strong friendship that few can have. 2008 also means I'm turning 21 which also means I'm depressingly old. Tomorrow will mark my dad's return to the workforce. He retired for awhile but now he's going back to his old company for another 2 years to work, which is good for him I think. I don't see how staying at home and going to the same old coffee shop, watching the same old tv shows and reading newspapers is fun after doing that for a few years. When my dad retires for good, my family will begin a new phrase cause I would have started working full-time and my bro would have gotten married and moved out. I'll miss him, to be honest. Sometimes I wished I had a sister so we could share clothes and do girly things together, but brothers are just plain irritating. But how many people can have a one kind brother? I should be privileged.hahaha. As much as he likes grossing me out and disturbing me, at least I have a bro whom I can talk to and laugh with and can be nice.can be ah. Right, so before I start ticking off my friends list and name every one of them..I should publish this post soon.

My New Year resolution(s)?
1)be a blessing through showing God to people with my actions
2)save more money
3)be less quick-tempered.
4)not sloth! (in more ways than one)
5)do well in school (i.e. be a geek)
6)be driven and kindgom minded.

Noticed I didn't write 'shop less', or 'eat cheaply'.
Some things have to be realistic, kay!

2007-12-29T14:04:00.000+08:00

CHRISTMAS PHOTOS UP.
clickety click
killerblueskies.livejournal.com

2007-12-21T01:46:00.000+08:00

I was just designing a poster for our zone's dunkin machine store and was listening to my itunes. So lifehouse started playing in the background while I was drawing out my stick figure. 'Blind' was the song. I repeated the song once it ended. Maybe it's because we're about 11 days away from the new year, or it's was some kind of magic (nostalgia,as they have called it) started kicking in, but I found myself thinking back on 2007 through that song. I get that sometimes. I listened to Fall Out Boy when I was in Korea a lot more cause it reminded me of the time I listened to them in Perth. And different songs mark different phrases of my life and things I've been through. So anyway, what's the significance of 'blind'? I remember approximately 11 months again, I was somewhat a wrecked up being. I would listen to this particular song on repeat mode,and tear through it. The story was pretty simple. I really liked someone, it wasn't reciprocated and he saw someone else. This time, it's rather nostalgic, cause I remember what I've been through. But no more of that bitter-sweet emotion or teary face. Just like how 'Grant Theft Autumn' summed up 2005 cause it brings to remembrance Perth, 'Blind' sums up my 2007. As I sat there reflecting as the song is playing, I'm pretty proud of myself. For not succumbing to roller-coaster emotions, and finally moving on. The lessons learnt through this can't be tagged and it only made me trust the Lord more.

The poster's done and I'm sitting down .
I find myself giving a slight smile to that all-familiar tune as it is on loop. Lifehouse sounds different 11 months later.

2007-12-18T23:45:00.000+08:00

Photo of the year..(psst: over heeereeee)

sitting in the middle of the basketball court at 2a.m.;

and 'Dancing off' to Britney spears is

A-U-D-A-C-I-O-U-S!

hahaha.I love my cell. With the end of Audacious camp, we're 2 weeks away from 2008. This past months have been crazy.Crazily anticipating,crazily preparing, crazily studying, we're crazily lack of sleep.and we went crazy. This camp I feel closer to my cell than ever, and I'm gonna miss Sarah and Sam when they're not in 5.2 next year. I really think I have some of the best people ever in my cell and I know they're going to harp on it and get their heads all blown up if they read this.We've been like a family. I'm not sure how different it will be without them, but whatever it is, i'm full of anticipation for 2008. Next year will be a year of putting our dreams into action. It's like we've been preparing, laying the foundations and waiting but next year we will see things come to pass and I'm pumped.

Up next,tomorrow's Christmas shopping,steamboat at night, Christmas party, Christmas at Katong, New Year's eve celebrations. It's THE time, and my favourite time of the year again and I'm going to enjoy these 2 weeks while it lasts.

2007-11-17T23:58:00.000+08:00

I can't seem to abandon this blog just as yet. For all I know, I'll be back here by the end of the year. I find myself typing different posts on blogger and LJ, and I just felt like typing this particular post on blogger. Am I weird or what?

I like listening to worship songs, especially at night when I'm about to sleep. Not because it makes me fall asleep faster, in fact it makes me stay up thinking. Thinking about? I don't know. Sometimes i just find myself closing my eyes and worshipping instead. Other times I just think about the Lord's goodness. Why at night? I'm not too sure myself but it's probably because this is the time I normally do my quiet time. Are there songs that makes you fall in love with Jesus all over again whenever you listen to them? Or songs that makes you feel that you could learn how to trust God again even when you are on the verge of giving up? I do. My brother told me many years back when I was still a young believer that he liked worship songs with the words ' I love You' in it cause hardly any songs ever do that. And I find myself liking these love songs to God, cause it's more than just an emotional act, but I guess it's probably because that is what draws us to God Himself. His love for us. It's songs like these that constantly reminds me the exact reason why I'm holding on to strange thing called christianity, and this controversial person named Jesus. More than a person, really. If you really must know what's spinning on my itunes, they are:
1)Take all of me
2)More than life
3)Forever

and where the love lasts forever is my absolute favourite. The old Hillsong worship songs do get me. More than just singing though, it's putting love into action.

2007-11-01T22:02:00.000+08:00

You know something? There's this tightness in my throat and constant worry.

I'm really afraid.

2007-10-24T22:26:00.000+08:00

I'm trying out LJ.

Killerblueskies.livejournal.com

See you there!

2007-10-19T23:03:00.000+08:00

Don't you just love great music? I'm listening to the latest album from Rooney and the songs grow on you. By the way, I'm contemplating on moving to LJ. I'm figuring out how to do up the LJ layout and stuff and fiddling with some stuff. The LJ cut is magic and I love the whole diary concept where you can lock whatever entries you want. But there's no tagboard so that the bad thing. And to be honest, I'm kind of attached to my current blog..it has seen me through some seasons and there's some sentimental value to it though I know, it's all electronic and archived.

I'll think about it further. :) See you guys tmr at Rudy and Christine's wedding and Goodnight.

2007-10-10T00:17:00.000+08:00

Naive- Kooks

man.Some Indie music are too indie even for my liking. So I checked out Feist out right, since I've heard quite abit about her but it's just..I can't appreciate it. I need to run off pretty soon since I need to wake up early and type up about 1,200 more words to my PR (crap of an) essay.

AND! AND! I like this Coach wristlet a lot. (photo credits to coach.com) It's not like the signature ones you have out there and I like the colour combination. Not that I have anything against signatures, but it's something like looking at someone carrying a brown LV bucket bag nowadays. Plus, I still don't like LV at all. Actually I don't fancy Coach bags but the wristlets are cute. I like Gucci for its bags, especially those with the green and red band. And I believe that Chanel is a classic and everyone should have one of their bags. Just one. I'm not even dreaming of having one right now though, it's ridiculous cause it's obvious that I either got the bag as a present, or slogged my butt off just to buy it. And I won't save up for 6 months just to get a $3,000 bag. It's crazy.

If I get to go Korea I'll go check it out at the DFS :) But I've got a sneaky suspicion that they may not have this collection there.

Right. So we're talking about brands (and really luxurious ones, may I add) a little too much. I've always thought people my age, students, not holding a full-time job that pays well shouldn't splurge on something like that. Plus, you won't meet up to the status quo when you have the bag. But when you get a vintage branded bag, it's another story. hahahaha. right Nat, right. It's just different kay.

Maybe I'm tired. My eyebags are in desparate need of saving.

2007-10-05T23:34:00.000+08:00

i'm back for the second time today.
I just bummed the whole day away and stared at the laptop clicking around aimlessly. Checking the usual shit..you know, hotmail, gmail, yahoo (yea i have many email accounts.i'm fickle minded)then my blog, friendster, facebook, googled some stuff, typed like 3 sentences of my media law assignment and that's it.
I was just talking with Van about how I've been feeling lately. It's weird that I've been rather reclusive lately and not wanting to socialise much. Of course, there're things like my many assignment deadlines at the back of my mind, but it's more than that. I just don't feel like hanging or going out. And my friends know I love going out, even if it's just a talk over coffee or something.
I'm at this place where I'm not even sure what I'm doing here anymore. It's the same old routine. School, doing assignments, church, work and then the same cycle all over again. I look at pretty photos of other 2o yr olds in Aussie have taken. And I wish I was there. But I know when I'm there, I won't have a bunch of good friends heading up with me. In a way I'm glad that I'll have sometime alone. But I don't think I'll be able to be alone for 4 months without talking to anyone. Van says I'm lost. Maybe I am. But I told her aimless is more like the word for it.
I'm at this phrase whereby I don't find much things that excite me anymore, and I don't find much that I look forward to. I hate the thought of going out to work full-time..I keep thinking of all the work politics I'm gonna face and I cringe.I don't strive to be at the top of the corporate ladder, really. I'm just happy earning enough to give me the capacity to cover all my expenses, have some savings, buy some stuff I want and travel. Kay I know I'm so not ambitious but whatever. I don't need to earn $15,000 a month. And I look at myself, and I think, so when's Africa coming? I have no idea how this's all gonna work out. How in the world do I go to the nations and reach out to hundreds and thousands when I'm feeling how I'm feeling now? I feel so uninspired. Seriously. Maybe I just feel that I can't give much to God. I have trouble coming up with things that I'm good at. I'm just..I think it's indescribable. I'm not sad. I'm not upset. I'm not angry. I'm not hurt. I don't know what I am. You know what I'm saying? Just uninspired.

I think, I just wanna go home.

2007-10-05T13:43:00.000+08:00

I just realised how different I look now from where I was 3 years ago? You would think with the never changing long mane I have I'll look the same but nooo. It's pretty sad cause the youth essence is gone. But I guess that's all part and parcel of growing up? The song 'forever young' by Youth Group is playing in the background now. I am reminded of this song as I am typing this now and it aptly describes how I feel.

seventeen

Eighteen

Nineteen

Today

Forever Young (Originally by Alphaville)

Lets dance in style, lets dance for a while

Heaven can wait were only watching the skies
Hoping for the best but expecting the worst
Are you going to drop the bomb or not?

Let us die young or let us live forever
We dont have the power but we never say never
Sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip
The musics for the sad men

Can you imagine when this race is won
Turn our golden faces into the sun
Praising our leaders were getting in tune
The musics played by the madmen

Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever, forever and ever

Some are like water, some are like the heat
Some are a melody and some are the beat
Sooner or later they all will be gone
Why dont they stay young

Its so hard to get old without a cause
I dont want to perish like a fading horse
Youth is like diamonds in the sun
And dimonds are forever

So many adventures couldnt happen today
So many songs we forgot to play
So many dreams are swinging out of the blue
We let them come true

And I feel a tinge of nostalgia seeping in...

2007-10-02T23:19:00.000+08:00

www.myspace.com/hillsongunited

check out 'You Deserve' from their latest EP.
The album is written by a group of under 21s. Not only are the songs great, it's really encouraging to see a new generation of people using their creative gift to write them. If their youths can do it, I think generations can come up with a decent youth album as well. And it's in the works. I'm not talking about just music, but the whole youth ministry in general.

I'm excited about what it to come. I know we're building up to something and it's almost as if I can smell it from the distance. It's somewhere near, hovering around. When we finally get to it, I imagine an explosion that thrusts our youth ministry forward, fueled with passion and character. And when we're finally revealed, we stand like a troop of mighty army, unwavering in our faith.

2008. It will be our year.

2007-09-30T22:45:00.000+08:00

shh by Frou Frou

I WANT A DIANA+!
So gorgggggggggggggggggggggg. -swoons.

2007-09-16T00:45:00.000+08:00

It's 12.45 a.m and I've been spending the past half hour researching on Krispy Kreme. It's pretty amazing how when you google these 2 words, dozens of forums are raving about them and asking if there's an outlet in their city so they can have a taste of it. So like all the other insane people out there that was exactly what I did. After the Natas fair my parents decided that Korea was a much better choice so yup, that's where we're headed. I'm not sure when we'll be going up to HongKong..hopefully in the near future so I can do a little shopping at H&M or smth. I can't say I'm not looking forward to Korea..just that eh, I thought the HK trip was more or less settled and we were gonna visit our uncle anyway. I enjoy researching on places I'm able to travel to, to know the dos and don'ts and recommendations. It just might come in handy when you need it. :) And of course, making the best out of our guided trip. But I guess going free and easy with two 50-odd yr old adults who can't speak korean isn't the easiest thing, not forgetting that they're bringing along their daughter who's clueless about bibimbap and kimchi. Surprises of all surprises, the disappointment of not being able to go to H&M matches up to my disappointment of not having Krispy Kreme until I went to their official website and realised that they have ard 20 outlets in South Korea. :D
Bad news? They're all in Korean so I have no idea where the ideas are. So google, as usual being my trusty buddy, searched out forums in English and! I have a rough idea where I can find them. Unless Sinchon subway station line number 2, go out the McDonald's exit and walk towards Yonsei University isn't specific enough.
I'm rambling again, and I'm sorry this time it's donuts..the time of the night again. Comfort food.(that expands your waist line)

Looking forward to my much wanted getaway :)
Don't we all?

2007-09-15T00:23:00.000+08:00

It Ends Tonight
The All-American Rejects

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can’t explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don’t want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My minds unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can’t explain what you can’t explain.
You're finding things that you didn’t know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My minds unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

[Chorus]
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I’m on my own side
It’s better than being on your side
It’s my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you’re the first to know

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends when darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Tonight,
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight.

2007-09-12T01:30:00.001+08:00

I read PS I love You and Where Rainbows End and I loved both of them..but I think this takes the cake. The first 3 chapters bored me so I thought I would just read a little before heading to bed yesterday night but ended up finishing the rest of the 40 chapters in 6 hours. The book's really gripping after the plot develops. It's whimsical but yet it challenges your perspective about imaginery friends. I don't like reading books with predictable plots and this's certainly unexpected. But I thought they were some loose ends that could be tied up in her story. This's like the best fictional book I've read so far, seriously. And it has a sad ending so I cried quite abit while reading it as well.

Ok, back to my tangyuan.

2007-09-06T23:42:00.001+08:00

I've worked for about 10 months now.
There's a caucasian who sits outside our outlet often. Normally he sits down and eats. Sometimes it's a small portion of homecooked porridge, other times he drinks a huge bottle of flavoured milk and I think that will be the only meal he has the whole day. His appearance is always disheveled. I guess the most important thing about him I should mention is that every time he packs up and leaves, he lugs a huge backpack that's too heavy for him. Either that, or he's really frail cause his skinny legs gives slight hints of wobbling with each step that he takes.

There's this lady who has dropped by our shop a couple of times. She hasn't tried Ben and Jerry's, not that I know of anyway. She asked me today if I would exchange her coins with some notes as she always does. I've seen her. She sells donation tickets near the train station.

Her colleague holds a clutch when he walks. He is a cripple. And when he walks, each step is strenuous and garners many stares. Every once in awhile, he wobbles back to our table to have a breather before approaching passer-bys with his tickets again. It's hard for him to sell them cause he can't walk much and most of the time he stands stationary at a spot and leans on his clutch. I also know he has a hard time selling them cause he has a supervisor who scolded and cursed at him.

Many people will look at them and give them a second glance of pity, but that's about it. When I saw the 2 donation ticket sellers today, watching the guy in clutches getting weird stares and blunt rejections did something in me enough to want to write this. I'm empathetic towards people who are going through emotional turmoils. But people with physical disabilities have my compassion. A compassion that wishes to be able to better their lives. It was such helplessness when I looked on, knowing I could give them something to eat today, but I couldn't better their lives permanently. This makes me think of Heidi Baker. I think she would have taken them to her home or shelter without any questions asked. She's not rich, but she has a lot of faith. Faith that helped her build her homes, take in homeless kids unconditionally, and believing that God will provide for each of them. As I stared at the guy, it made me realised I have nothing I could give to them materially speaking. At the point I wished that I have some homes or welfare centres to speak of, to care for these people who have been outcasted by the mainstream society. It's not pity. It goes beyond compassion. I think it's love. I want to be able to give them something to eat everyday so that they won't have to worry about not hitting the sales target for the day or being cursed at. More than that, I think many of them are unreached. We preach at normal kids with abnormal problems but we don't reach out to abnormal kids with normal problems. Imagine this. A home whereby all these people live and won't have to worry about basic needs, and living their lives for Jesus, knowing exactly His plan and purpose for them. They no longer feel rejected, but they know that they're born for such a time as this and they use what they have for God. When they know they are leading a life that is fulfilling and dreaming for Him, I really think it's beautiful.

2007-09-05T23:24:00.000+08:00

I don't even know where to begin.
I guess the first blow was the awful results I received for the first semester.
And the nagging feeling at the back of my mind thinking about my money.
Then the work politics struck.
and the friends you thought would probably appreciated you more than they actually showed.
to sum it all up, it's been a really bad day.
At this point of time, all the God talk starts coming in, something I always do to good friends in my position.
It's weird that all that drilling doesn't seem to help much, cause it's something i've heard about a while back.
Only the still small voice helps.
Even then, my mind screams out millions of questions and doubts about myself.
I thought I was pretty unfazed by such things anymore. But guess those emotions got the better of me?
What do I want really?
A good conversation will be nice.
some loving i guess.
shallow as it might sound, good grades as a reflection of my 'talent'.
I used to think I make a decent writer, but i'm not so sure now.
Insecurities.
When do I get over them?

2007-09-03T01:56:00.000+08:00

misery business- Paramore

1) thanks to Nam, I've started listening to my rusting collection of Paramore songs again. But Hayley's not THAT cute la. stop raving about her already. Can't beat a particular guitarist from The academy is.

2) Vericose veins freak me out. even mine.

3) I'm going to start September (I know I'm a little late but hey, the week always starts on a Monday) by saving all I can on food and really try to curb my indulges in clothes. (e.g come up with a specific but concise shopping list and STICK BY IT) I'm serious kay.stop laughing.

4) I can't believe school starts tomorrow. It's too soon. No no noooooooooo.

5) 5 more days to pay day. yay.

6) I'm hungry.

7) this post's beginning to look crappy.

8) ok, it is.

9) before I say goodnight though,

10) Haji Lane is really nice. I like how the whole decor in each of the shop works and some of the clothes they bring in. Of course, some of them are just way over priced and I think if I looked harder I can find them somewhere else.

11) oh. And it ticks me off that everyone's into photography now and using fish eye lenses to take photos of stuff you aren't supposed to be taking with fish eye which eventually distorts it. AND CALLING THEM ARTISTIC. eww. go read up. (Disclaimer: I'm not a photographer, and not an expert on it either but I do have a slight knowledge of it, through my module in school and also from friends. I have a wide appreciation for beautifully taken photos and I'm very much interested in learning to take them myself and I do think it's a skill that I wanna acquire. In other words, I lump photography into one of my interests. But I don't do it just because it's cool to hold a holga or DSLR around City Hall or because it's the latest shit.)

12) And a gentle reminder. It's ' it's really painful' and NOT 'it's really pain'. It's such a common mistake that I feel weird to be saying it the right way.

13) Ok before I start digging out my 20 yrs' worth of pet peeves, I better go. Aye but I just have to get some things off my chest. To #11, lesson learnt: Have a backbone and go ahead feeling comfortable being yourself. I'll elaborate on this another time :)

Have a great week ahead you guys.

2007-08-26T00:10:00.000+08:00

funny how when the prodigal son walks away, with each footstep that takes him further from his father, he thinks that he has left him.
funny how our warped mentality decides that when we backslide it's because God has forsaken us and left us behind, when we are the ones taking steps away from Him.
funny how God would want to use someone who's so flawed and unsure of herself in Him.
What kind of analogy am I drawing from this?
The same incredulousness that has struck me about the prodigal son strikes me about His love for us.
I'm really, pretty overwhelmed.
Philippians 3:14

2007-08-25T00:59:00.000+08:00

PLEASE MR POSTMAN

Random thought of the day
I'm beginning to think that it's a good idea to have been born in the 60s/70s.
The only thing I'll probably miss is the internet. Other than that, hello vintage dresses, Andy warhol, disco balls and Carpenters!

Word drop of the day
should be able to make it, will confirm with you again

Website of the day
Indiesin.livejournal

Artiste of the day
Abba

:)
goodnight

2007-08-21T19:29:00.000+08:00

Smashing Pumpkins are so good that they're too good to be true.This's filmed live at their concert in Paris. Come to Singapore already!!!!!!!

2007-08-18T21:01:00.001+08:00

Wet and rusting- Menomena

So Monday was Huifen's last day at BnJ :(
And I brought my camera so we decided to have some fun with it.
HF, I hope your repu is fully spoilt by now. And I got a sneaky suspicion that mine spiraled downwards as well.

I just realised I bought a top online that's one size bigger than it really should. Ah well. Let's just hope I'll somehow manage to fit into it nicely somehow. :)

Anyways, Van and I are really excited cause we're officially on our holidays. heh heh. NO MORE AD HOMINEM, PUBLIC AND MEDIATED LIFE AND PROJECT MANAGEMENT. yes ah.

I'm really looking forward to doing some serious wardrobe clearance ($$$), room clean-up, catching up with some friends, reading a good book simply because I haven't done so for such a long time, finding some decent music to listen to (believe me, I spend my free time going on Myspace and checking out bands), maybe getting a nice movie to watch at home and learn how to cook properly. Yes. Stop rubbing your eyes. I said COOK. It's about time considering I need to settle all my meals for 6 months alone when I go to Perth..cooking a decent meal is almost as vital as survival skills. And I do enjoy cooking, when my food doesn't get burnt or I don't die from the awfulness of it.

Btw, I'm listening to Nada surf and they're such feelgood music. Kings of convenience is nice too.Speaking of music, and good ones, I've always loved Hillsong. But I've learnt today that you don't have to have Hillsong or a good band up on stage for you to enjoy God's presence. It's amazing how He doesn't think the same way as we do, and even though the worship leader's singing out of tune, God chooses to linger still..cause He's after our hearts. I've learnt this such a long time ago..but today it's a reminder. That no matter where we reside, be it that we sing like toads or the insignificant kid in school that nobody talks to, He's looking, at our hearts. So guard it.

2007-08-12T01:12:00.000+08:00

Hi everybodyyyyyyyys. (:
Firstly, it felt like ages since I last blogged but when I checked it was just 5 days back. weird city.
It's been a really packed week primarily cause I've been working quite a bit and also I have this mediacorp class going on. Haven't done much socializing. Think I'm becoming quite reclusive. HAHA.
Anyway, I would love to sound really poetic, insightful and intelligent but one can try so much when it's just an update of our mundane lives when we go about doing the same stuff like catching movies and eating subway sandwiches.
For those who didn't know, but I guess most of you do, I caught Singfest! It was great catching TAI live though personally I thought it wasn't their best performance. Gym class heroes and Cobra Starship were better. I really wanted to take a photo with William after seeing throngs of girl screaming and groping him, got into the fangirl mode really quickly. But I didn't get the chance to cause A)I was being pushed; B)I wasn't agressive enough. Was bummed about it for about a day. And the most irritating thing? Seeing people with backstage passes (i.e media people and lucky freaks) taking photos with Michael openly. :( Best part was, my best friend who DID NOT buy a ticket to get in, was sitting outside listening to the gig when she saw TAI coming out to get into the van. So very conveniently, she went up to them and talked to them and told them they were cute. (i'm not lying) @#$!!&^%@! What about this for 'unfair'? I caught almost every act except Crowned King, Hinder and most of Cobra starship cause I was out eating. But I guess the bands that really left an impression were Gym class heroes and MXPX. Well I guess you could say Avenged Sevenfold was good as well but it's just too bad that I don't appreciate their music so I don't have much to say about them. I don't exactly like punk rock, but MXPX was just really awesome. The noisettes can try changing their band name to The Noise, since that was what they were making throughout their set. I love Indie, but they're a bit too much ah. Screaming like a squirrel and all.

THE ACADEMY IS
http://youtube.com/watch?v=IbOu8o7A1jo
COBRA STARSHIP
http://youtube.com/watch?v=bconmoZSPWE

'OH I'M READY FOR IT,COME ON BRING IT!'

Michael and sisky business

THE William Beckett.

And I've saved the best for last.

Sorry I got too carried away. This's becoming a Singfest blog. hahaha.
GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?! I know I'm typing in caps a lot, I'm just too excited about things.lol. My mum was asking when I was having hols and stuff. So I asked her 'why?Wanna go holiday ah?' And I expected a 'no'. Then she said 'yea.me and your dad are planning to go.' So I thought they were planning to visit my uncle in HongKong or smth.
'Where?'
'Europe.'
'HUH?!WHEN YOU ALL GOING?I WANT TO GO ALSO!'
'expensive leh, one person $3,000'
'I don't care!!!!I wanna go Europe you must bring me along.'

So to cut to the chase, we've discussed and we decided that after my graduation would be a more suitable time to go since December is the peak period and that is coincidentally when I will be having my hols. So wait till next year when I'm free as a bird, I can spend 3 months touring or something. WOO HOO. Best thing is, they're rather convinced that we should go to HK this December.hahahaha.best of both worlds.

:)

2007-08-07T00:49:00.000+08:00

Baybeat's ended and I'm suffering from sore feet. Not from the crowd or moshing la. From my black patent flats and 6 hours of standing during work. HURTS LIKE CRAPPPPP.
You can kind of tell I have nothing much to say right now. I'm listening to Aloha on Myspace now and if not for the fact that I heard them live yesterday I wouldn't have liked them. And I'm going for Singfest.Bought the tix couple of days back. My pay should be in and I'm working more these few weeks while I'm having my break. What else. I slept 12 hours yesterday night after coming home at 1 but apparently it's not enough cause I'm gonna turn off my comp soon and turn in.
Oh, but before I end off,

Zeitgeist - The latest album from Smashing Pumpkins.
GO GET IT.

2007-07-31T23:58:00.001+08:00

CHICKEN CABOODLES!

2007-07-28T23:53:00.000+08:00

hurhurhur.I'm finally feeling better!! yay (:

and I've a little confession to make.
I'm beginning to like the Academy is. hahaha.

So,should I go for Singfest?

2007-07-27T04:32:00.000+08:00

hi.it's exactly 4.30a.m and here I am finding myself typing yet another entry.Firstly,to answer the question as to why i'm still up at such an obscure hour:I woke up at 3.30 and found myself tossing ard trying to fall back to sleep but obviously it was an unsuccessful attempt. My back's cracking from pain like an old lady and i'm worried sick for my case study, which i still havent finished. woohoo,i'm on my way to becoming a uni dropout.

2007-07-26T20:12:00.000+08:00

I'm so sick that it's not funny anymore.
I've been lying in bed 16 hours a day since Tuesday and still I'm getting bouts of nausea and bloatedness.
What's worse, I have a case study I need to complete (and no,not a draft.It's the actual thing) in 12 hours. I'm not thinking straight, the words are coming out at 6 per hour.

I'm as whiny as any 8-yr-old and I feel so swollen and wound licking.

2007-07-23T01:30:00.000+08:00

Random thoughts that are stringing up into sentences.

We're like specks of dust that don't deserve such devotion and love.
But You did gave us all You could.
For the sheer desire of wanting to commune with us.
Despite our failures. Wrong perceptions of Your majesty and splendour. Hands itching to touch something we shouldn't and feet running in the wrong direction.
Like a patient dad You took it all in.
Yet the free will still exists even though each foolish decision is a stab in Your heart.
We didn't deserve it. Not a single bit of it.
When my friends disappoint and my parents fail to understand me, I keep finding You each step of the way.Being the patient dad You're guiding me.
I was on an escape route but You were always near,waiting.
Is it any wonder I wanna knock myself over for not obeying Your word, for not having faith, for not loving You enough?
Cause it's more than just abt You dying for me, it's the sheer desire for wanting to walk with me and the unconditional love, that overwhelmes me.

Abba Father, the words aren't adequate to express how I feel. My tongue's stumped.I'm not well-versed enough to put Your majesty into words.

But thank You, thank You, thank You.
And I can't wait to spend forever in Your presence.

2007-07-19T20:15:00.000+08:00

Case Study: The success of Ben and Jerry's being the number stress reliever and lifesaver for students stuck at home doing projects.

Introduction: This's a case study of me trying to complete the draft of my case study by Friday,9am. (which is really in 12 hours time) While cracking my brains, I decided that I needed some brain/comfort food (whichever suits you better). I went into the kitchen and opening every possible food infested cabinet but I could find nothing but digusting garlic flavoured peanuts. I got minor depression 3 seconds after that, but like every story there's a light at the end of the tunnel, which I will further elaborate in my findings.

Findings: So I shifted my glance to my refrigerator and I realised there were 2 precious pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream which my family still amazingly haven't polished off. I opened one of them and ta-da! Strawberry Cheesecake to the rescue.

Analysis: The ice cream was such a great help that I've written 5 lines of introduction to my (actual) case study. Needless to say, I wiped out the pint in 10 minutes. *takes a bow*

In conclusion,I would like to say Ben and Jerry's has been successful in relieving stress of university students especially those who relish doing work last minute. However,I'm sad to announce that I can't continue this report further unless more research is done and to be honest, I have no time because I'm busy rushing my Live 8 case study, which is just slightly more important than this cause grades are given.

2007-07-15T00:15:00.000+08:00

The hands that I have, use them to serve You.

One thing that I've always told God is that with the little I have, I want to use that to serve Him. And repeatedly, I ask Him to use me. I still do, actually. Cause once upon a time I felt under utilitized. I felt that I was progressing so slowly that it was painful and it came to a point where I was pretty comfortable just being where I was. Then I guess God answered my prayer without my knowledge. Slowly I was asked to shepherd a few girls, and then engaging in the creative arts ministry in my zone. I went on from there. But throughout all of these, I've never realised that this was what I asked for until yesterday during our short prayer session in the Pastor's lounge.

Admittedly, I was really stressed up and I felt up to my neck with work cause of the constant assignments coming in. I mean, I am a student,daughter, friend, part-time scooper, GCAM member, cell intern, part of camp comm 2007 simultaneously. And the student in me thinks I'm not putting in enough effort into my studies cause of lack of time and I'm not coping as well in school as I think I should. My dad has been nagging at me for spending too much time in church. I felt like I was spending too much time in church. You know what I mean? I just wanted to take a breather. Then the Lord spoke to me and told me that I was privileged to be able to serve on the team, to be part of this harvest event.
yup.A lightbulb moment again. It's when I suddenly realised God has answered my prayer to want to be able to use what I have to serve Him. I've been doing things and treating them like it's tasks and chores but really, to be able to use my hands to do something, it's such a privilege. Cause I have only a few talents, but God chooses to use them.

And I'm thankful.

2007-07-10T00:45:00.001+08:00

Right now I'm busy selling off my belts, clothes, bags, wallets, necklaces and what have you.
and no, world war 3 is not coming, and there's definitely not a famine :) It's just that I finally saw the light and joy to see the money in your bank account rising. and rising. lol. So that?
I can shop more la!!!! (and I won't feel guilty about it)

HAHAHA.I know.A very pointless entry. But I feel so happy when I manage to clinch a deal. I feel like an insurance agent,if you know what I mean.

2007-07-04T00:42:00.001+08:00

I have been tagged by Maybelline.

weird habits.Rules of the game:Each player of this game starts off with ten weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own ten weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you must choose six people to be tagged and list their names. No tag backs!

thank you very much for giving me the opportunity to publicly announce my weird antics. hahaha.

1. I only eat irregular shaped chicken nuggets.

2. I like cutting the sides of the MacDonald's suasage.

3. I drool in my sleep. (but not all the time)

4. I can't sleep properly without a bolster.

5. If I stare at you for 3 seconds and no say anything after you've talked and expecting a reply from me, it probably means i'm too tired to listen or my mind is somewhere else.

6. I DO NOT like teddy bears (unless it's forever friends or eeyore) and I DO NOT like roses. (try wildflowers or sunflowers)

7. I do think i'm a little weird. But I see it as a good thing.

8. To be honest, I think i'm damn hot and pretty and skinny and popular and smart and funny. To be completely honest, only half of what was mentioned above is true.

9. I've days where I just wanna be alone. As in, having my 'me-days'.

10. I think a lot. And that's how i gain insights, asks questions and stuff.

Ok that's it! I just hope I didn't switch on any 'weirdo alert' alarms.

And i'm tagging
1. MICHELLE NIAM
2. MELISSA
3. MENGYE
4. RYANE
5. JOYYS

2007-07-03T01:30:00.000+08:00

Noise: Australia by the Shins

oh, stop bending over.
You've caught enough breaths.
Chins up, look around.
The image, getting farther and unattainable, it's quickly fading.

You strained your eyes to catch a glimpse of the disappearing figure.
Disheartened, you pushed yourself forward a little. And then, you bent over.
'I'm tired.I don't know if I can do this anymore'.
But I argued that that's hardly it.
Truth is, the image killed you.
The figure that distanced from you by the seconds did.

The lack of strength is nothing but an excuse.
'You've looked to the sides too much, when the race is really, just right in front of you.'

You've competed with yourself, this mind game you've been playing.
Conjuring up unneccessary comparisons.
That shadow shrinking breaking your self-defense.
oh, all you have to do is to set your eyes straight with unrestraining determination and fight and run.
'Cause the position doesn't matter, only reaching the finishing line does.

2007-06-27T00:24:00.000+08:00

This window has been opened for 45 minutes, and I know what I'm gonna write next. I'm listening to 1969 and Camera Obscura and I'm flipping the pages back and forth, trying to find the apt words to fill this entry. These words are gonna weigh a lot. They're not light on the ears.

www.humanforsale.com
I've tried this once, all in the name of fun and nothing else, just to see how much I am worth. You know, basically if you're blonde,tall and skinny, you're already ahead of others. If you've got a masters in Psychology or something, great news cause you're now worth $200,000 more.It's such an ego booster, knowing that you worth much more than others and that whoa,if someone were to buy me, I cost 3 million.
In the bible, it says we're to love people. Not to love the pretty people.or skinny people.or the well-educated ones. I wonder how many times we look at someone who comes from a humble background, maybe a dish washer, and we walk on by, never giving them a second thought thereafter. Many times we choose who we wanna love, and who we think we should reach out to. The thing is, the bible didn't ask us to reach out to nice people or our good friends. It says to bring the gospel to the ends of the earth and i guess that means to all cultures,religions, to the lovely and unlovely people.
We always claim that we look at a person's character and we decide if we like them and not by their exterior. Face it, we do count on first impressions, and sometimes they make lasting impressions and we never get over them.
I think God didn't die so that we can choose who to save, or who to love, or who to even talk to. What gives me the right to even think that a person is not worth my time speaking to just by a 5 second glance?
And on Saturday, God just reminded me of this website.Where people go on it and check out how much they're worth. How the world really categorises you and tags you with a price tag. Highly educated- $4,500,000
Lowly educated- $500,000

and I just saw how God looks at these people.

Highly educated-priceless
lowly educated-priceless

tall-priceless
short-priceless

skinny-priceless
plump-priceless

well-liked-piceless
unloved-priceless

Caucasians-priceless
Asians-priceless

Christians-priceless
buddhists-priceless
muslims-priceless
free thinkers-priceless

All of us are marked with a tag too. But they all read the same.
And it doesn't matter if we're not as smart as our siblings, or as pretty as our best friend, or as popular as someone else. We may not have many talents, may not have the best character, may have done more mistakes than most people, but we're all priceless. Not in my eyes maybe, but in the eyes of God.

And it's important that we get over ourselves, and see through His eyes.

2007-06-25T11:42:00.000+08:00

So church camp was awesome.
my 20th was a blast.
and here are the long overdued trigger happy moments.

Church camp '07
At Alamanda

Meng washing her slippers in the houseflies infested pool.ew.

A&W!!! oh.my.goodness.

Me and Pris spent the whole camp taking photos of ppl who did tt. *points above*

UNGLAM LAAAAAA.but who cares.Coney dog is worth it.

toliet humour 1

ignore my bro and Lebobo.check out Andrew and Rudy, my daily source of entertainment throughout the 4 days.

Oh! who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Pillow fighttttt

On the van going to Lot 10

Zone 5 (:

our handsome youth pastor

LOOK AT NAM!!

pris asked me to act pissed, just like the woman in black.

toliet humour 2

My 2oth !
Was spent with my church friends at Billy bomers but no photos la.
Also with Van,Esther and Owen at hog's breath but I'm still waiting for my photos which are with Est.
My birthday itself was spent with May,Ginli and Hy and the family.

Dinner at Fullerton with family

my dark chocolate cake which i devoured within minutes

I know, we don't know much about etiquette.

me,bro and Weizheng :)

With the girls on 17th June

Our Obey t-shirts

and powerpuff girls cake.and I promise that I have nothing to do with it.

Goodnight world.
Wanted to blog abt something else tonight, but I think I'll do it tmr.
and whatever happened to all the tags?
ONG JINGYI?CHIEN KWOKSENG.

2007-06-19T01:16:00.000+08:00

Endlessly-New life worship
With your majesty here
I fall to my knees
I love you endlessly
With the beauty of your Son
I find myself undone
I love you endlessly

Saviour of my soul
lover of my life
I love you endlessly

Passion of my heart
Everything You are
I love you endlessly

You love me before I knew of You
You love me
Now I give it back to You

With your majesty here
I fall to my knees
I love you endlessly
With the beauty of your Son
I find myself undone
I love you endlessly

King who paid my price
Death has brought me life
I love you endlessly

Grace on which I stand
With everything I am
I love You endlessly

You love me before I knew of You
You love me
Now I give it back to You

With your majesty here
I fall to my knees
I love you endlessly
With the beauty of your Son
I find myself undone
I love you endlessly

2007-06-02T21:07:00.000+08:00

On the music playlist:
songs from Hillsong United's 'all of the above' album
Way out by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Forever Lost by The Magic Numbers

I'm back from the leader's retreat. It's awesome. It was almost like a much needed getaway for us. Paul Geerling isn't a fiery speaker. Instead, the messages were really practical and it speaks in a different way. More like a surgical treatment in the heart, twigging stuff here and there, removing the unneccessary and inserting lessons wherever applicable.
I'm refreshed,and I feel more than ever than I'm on a road of no return. I'm sure there's no other path I would wanna take than to know and serve God. This IS greater than travelling around the world, indulging in the finest cuisines, climbing up the corporate ladder and yes,even shopping. I mean, I'll definitely get to do some of these even if I serve God. But these are not my primary purposes for living my life here. I'm not living my life if I were to lead a partying life, achieve straight As and graduate top of the cohort or hanging out with my friends. And given the options, they are like tasteless salt, I've lost my liking for them.

Having said all of these, there's always this perception that we shouldn't be too serious about God and stuff when we're young. You know, we should do what we like doing and wait till when we're older and mature enough to handle such things. I beg to differ. There'll be no 'let's wait till we get older' kind of thing. I know this perception, cause I thought like that at 15. I was in church, but I wished I wasn't. I wished my church leaders would not call me when I didn't come for cell groups and service. I wished I didn't know that Jesus was real so I didn't have to attend church every sunday cause I wanted my own life outside. I felt bad cause time and again I found myself responding to altar calls even though I didn't want to, and yet only to backslide 3 weeks later. I hated the sick cycle carousal. I knew God touched me, but I hated the committment. I thought it was such a fun sucker,to have my weekends taken up by church activities. If there's anything I've learnt within these 5 years, it's that I know God loves us and His love reaches out to you. Sometimes you can run away and try to hide from it, but He tugs at your heart. And don't ignore it. Cause eventually I didn't, and I've not looked back since.

and no, I'm not a religious little twig trying to convert christians. But what I've experienced and learnt, I wanna share with you all. (:

On a lighter note, I had an awesome 20th. I still feel old, but my friends makes growing older a little more bearable. Thanks for all the birthday wishes (regardless whether it's through my tagboard,MSN,blogs,friendster or smses), presents and gift cards. Appreciate you all loads alright?I know, I'm supposed to upload photos and send them out but I'm a little lazy right now.(what's new?) I'll do a major photo upload once I get all my celebrations done. Yea, I know..how many people I wanna celebrate with?!! eh basically all that have asked me and all that I've asked? I couldn't squeeze everything into a week anyway cause I had my retreat.
Sunday night was with my church friends at Billy bombers. (the usuals except for Sarah.sick :() Following that was Hogs breath with my Poly mates (Van,Owen and Esther.Jules was sick also. :( ) on Tuesday. Wednesday afternoon was with some of my close seconday school girl friends, more affectionately known as the 'chao-tas' because of a failed baking attempt at Bugis's Sakae Sushi.Then it was dinner with the family and Weizheng at Fullerton. I found a new liking for FOIE GRAS!! Ok I know it sounds gross, it being goose liver and all. BUT IT IS REALLY NICEEEEE.And the dark chocolate cake I had was.........(drools at the mention of it) enough said. And of course,sashimi! :))) My mum said that Ritz Carlton's food was better though. Father's day is around the corner so maybe I'll get to try their stuff soon.Well...hopefully. The next 2 weeks is gonna be madness, what with 2 camps and tests coming up and all. Check this out.

4th June-meet Van to collect Diploma cert, head to Lime office to submit her article, and then town to window shop.or shop.(depends on the cirsumstances.heh heh)
5th June-working closing
6th June-working opening
7th June-School and Section getaway
8th June-School and Section getaway
9th June-Work and section getaway
10th June-tentatively outing with BnJ girls

11th June-church camp
12th June-church camp
13th June-church camp
14th June-church camp
15th June-Media Audiences mid-term test
16th June-Not sure yet
17th June-celebrating Bell's and my (very belated) birthday at Kenny Rogers

IS MY SCHEDULE CRAZY OR WOT??!Lord,Please give me time. PLEASE.

2007-05-27T23:41:00.001+08:00

Perhaps if I was build with a stronger immunity for tough words or callous skin, my life will be slightly easier and maybe I'll like myself a little more.
I wish I wasn't such a wuss, crying over minor things.
I wish I won't feel the way I feel, standing in front of my house and having the same dread i felt the previous day to open the door and walk in.
A little more patience would be nice.
And I just think, and feel so imperfect. They say, that makes us more human. I beg to difer.
I wish I don't feel the need to please people, the need to make people wanna like me.

My mind's filled with liquidated thoughts, floating, flowing through my being.It's not sequential,just shoving each other to get a leeway to being spoken out loud. It's as messy and random as the arrangement of my words.And I'm not sure of what I expect of myself anymore.

and I miss you.I miss you cause you're one of the only people who's so patient with me.and I love you for that.

2007-05-23T14:34:00.000+08:00

Here's a short entry before I run off to string the final bits of the video tgt and hopefully do some readings for school (bummer) before work at 4.30. I don't know where to begin honestly. This's gonna explain why I decided to make my blog private. I've always loved sharing my thoughts, rantings with people. I hope that when people hit the backspace or the close button at the top right hand corner, they'll not only understand me a little better,but understand God a little more. But I realised 2 days back that I don't really like sharing my family problems with everyone. If you're in here reading it,it means that I do hold a certain amount of trust for you and you're probably a long-time friend or someone I'm pretty close to.Truth is,I got hit by my dad (not in a bashing kind of sense but he layed his hands on me) and before that I had 2 heated quarrels with my mum. And all I did to be betstowed upon scoldings and hitting was the fact that I came home late(very subjective, but it was 1am.) and I did not operate the bloody VCD player properly. What kind of sick excuse is that to hit me,seriously? I mean he just totally lost control of himself. And here they are, trying to prim me into a what? A goody two shoes who's ultra smart and hardworking and then so bloody perfect cause she always comes home early for dinner and never say a thing to anger her parents. Stays at home long enough to pick up her long strands of hair,wash the dishes, hang up her clothes and clean her room, over and over again and STILL have enough time to ace her studies and not depend on her parents for extra allowance. Right. Please. Take a leaf from reality. Truth is, 20-yr-olds have a life of their own. They're just a year short of being a full-fledged adult. And here you are hitting me,expecting me to cry and beg you not to hit me again and then change for the better?You're pretty damn lucky if I still havent left home with that itself.
I'm 20, I have a thing called pride. You go around screaming at me,asking me to get a stupid admin job cause you don't want me to work at BnJ any longer.Look. Seriously,do you think I enjoy cleaning up someone's dirty serviettes and mopping the floor that much?And do you think I get to be a multi-millonaire after doing these? NO.The truth is i don't want to take so much money from you and that's why I work and study at the same time knowing that my dad's retired and I won't wanna take his money to shop and things like that.So I just take the bare minimum for my transport and to pay for some of my meals. Honestly,I'm quite a lazy bum and if i had the choice and if my family was filthy rich,I won't even work.Just stay at home and edit some videos and sell off my clothes online. Easy stuff. And you don't see that do you? And call me unappreaciative. I'm not anything close to being unappreciative,you're just expecting too much from a 20-yr-old. Period.

2007-05-18T23:14:00.000+08:00

I hate the fact the blogger only allows a person to lock the entire blog, unlike LJ where you can select which entries you wanna make private.Cause sometimes you want everyone to read what you have to say, but other times you are seeking for some sort of release and perhaps blogging might be it. But you aren't comfortable with sharing it with everyone.Be it friends,strangers or stalkers. I hope you know where I'm coming from, 'cause that's how I feel right now.

If I could change anything about myself,patience would be it.
It's hard to convince myself that it's alright not to be popular, to have people tagging my tagboard and to have friends commenting on your friendster. Just being honest here.
Sometimes I think that God must think I'm an ungrateful thing after repeating the same mistakes over and over. Until one day He decides to throw a surprise agenda setting meeting,sets the record straight and tells you how He really feels about you.
Perhaps,just perhaps I'm not as confident as I may appear to be.
I do try to make people love me but I don't try to seek unwanted attention really.
For awhile I was on a yacht,taking a breather and everything was going smoothly until the thunderstorm came. And I realise,I'm not as fine as I think I am.
Sometimes you don't get over things and move on,you just try and get used to them.
'papa,do you love me?' I asked the Lord recently,even though I know I shouldn't.
He said,"I loved you when I had you in my mind." way before 1987.
I hate it when I disappoint my parents,even though they have ridiculous expectations of me.
I think about how I think others think of me pretty often.
I do think I get misunderstood by some people. Some think I can't shut up, some think I'm negative and I don't know what else. But I have my quiet moments and I look at a glass and describe it as 'half-filled' instead of it being half empty.So I don't see how I'm a pessimist.
When i sigh,whine or complain,I'm gonna get over it,I'm gonna get things down.But I just need to get it out of my chest.
And if you provoke me enough,I can be pretty darn determine to achieve what I want.
Lastly,I've disappointed a lot of people,I'm disappointed myself.I've made a lot of mistakes. I do think that I don't deserve a lot of things. I dislike myself sometimes. I hate doing things then having the feeling that I've upset someone and then end up feeling like the scum of the earth. Sometimes I hate the things I say to people. Not stuff like 'I hate you' or anything,but it's more like 'damn,you could have been less blunt.' I dislike the fact that I feel the need to be well-liked or popular. I don't like it when I'm misunderstood. But above all my flaws,wrong doings,nonsense, I believe in myself. That eventually I'll be someone that I love. That eventually I will look back at who I was and laugh,and turn and see the Lord smiling at who I am now.

2007-05-16T23:51:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling particularly moody today. For about 2 months I was fine. Contributing factors? I can't name a single incident but I guess it's just a build up from little things. From unreplied messages,to worrying over the vodcast,to wondering over the behaviour of a certain friend to pet peeves at work. But I'm sorry,I can't afford to blast off at them.The best I could do is probably mentally kill them and ship them off to the butchers. Does it take a person with an IQ of 180 to know that to dispose anything you had your saliva on that is not a product of Ben and Jerry's?Or is it just plain laziness/inconsideration/ignorance/stupidity? My goodness,the very behaviour of some singaporeans are like fingernails on chalkboard.It breathes down my neck.

and then there're people who go MIA on you after borrowing your hard earned money. And there're not just people.Your supposdly 'best friend.' Borrowing money and then pulls a disappearing act on you when it's time to return.The best thing?It's not the first time and the very soft-hearted friend gives in and hands her the money,convincing herself that this time she's gonna return. but nooo.

and you,you,you,you,you. I don't exactly know what to say next. 'cause saying,typing a 10 pages long letter,telling you in your face doesn't really help anymore.If anything,I'm just as confused.No.The actions makes me confused.

And the vodcast.It's about done right now and I hope that everything falls into place.

And school.Test tomorrow,haven't read a single thing.

Makes me wonder the value of friendships.
Makes me think of the number of friends I can really say I'm close to.
Makes me ponder over a certain relationship.
Makes me wish that i wasn't so busy and stressed up. And not wish that I'm busy when I'm not so busy.
Makes me want to spew some profanities but I can't 'cause it's not right.
Makes me upset that I'm thinking of spewing some profanities.

When your day's spoilt, and when the cardigan falls to the floor you'll wanna rip it apart.

2007-05-14T13:27:00.000+08:00

Noise-Pass the hat around by Help she can't swim

Michelle Niam laughed at my pledge of Poverty on Wednesday after I told her I was gonna spend my Topshop voucher. =/ (Apologies for the atrouciously taken photo.)

Rudy was out with us at town yesterday and he was like ‘oh..she’s wants to buy something already.’ I was like ‘noooo..’ and I kept to my word until I entered Queen’s couture and saw the Junk Food t-shirts on 20% discount. =/ (say hi to my new Superman tee)

I came home and went onto MSN and chatted with Prissy. I said, “Pris,I broke my pledge of poverty.” And she replied, “I KNEW IT.” =(

Eh seriously I’m quite sad la. I started calculating my expenses, right down to the chicken cheesesticks I had that day. I spent like $180 for this week alone la!!! Where’s my discipline I wonder? I still have 2 more weeks of May to go…need to be frugal.frugalfrugalfrugalfrugalfrugal.

Still got $300++++ worth of camps to pay for.
For the last time,I’m broke. And I’m pretty darn unhappy with myself. Honestly speaking. I feel really bad about myself now. I think,I've got the makings of being Sophie Kinsella's case study the next time she decides to come up with a new shopaholic series?sighs.My friends need to nag more at me (not that they haven't already done so) the next time I'm caught eating at Pepper lunch and Topshop. :(

Meng and Me yesterday on the way to town. (notice how some people are always caught on camera holding a cigarette?I'm always caught holding a bottle of Green tea.)

See the resemblence, yes?

Prissy and us :) ya ya I know you both have short fringe.hahaha.Should make my way down to the hairdresser's soon. About time I got a haircut anyway.

Right now,I'm gonna get something constructive done and make my day a more useful one by packing my room and trashing out stuff that I wanna sell off. And yes,the video.Stress sia.

2007-05-11T23:38:00.000+08:00

The Proper post. (as promised)

Remembered one of the heros of the faith once said when he was fading away, "Never give up. Never,never give up." And there. His much anticipated speech, where hundreds of others were holding out for a piece of wisdom was reduced to a mere 7 words. This race that I'm running is gruelling.More than gruelling, it's excruciating,draining and discouraging.While I'm at it,there dozens of roadblocks,hurdles and a detractor who comes at evey available chance, urging you to throw in the towel. "drop it man, it's not worth your time and life."
Sometimes,when the storms of life tries sweeping me off my feet,I look at the detractor and listen to what he has to say. I weigh it against the countless lessons and values I've learnt from the person who's urging me on in this race.Even if I'm dehydrated,worn out,crippled,I'll run.I'll keep running.I'll keep running in what I believe in.I'll keep running in what I believe in until I know it's time to take a rest.And when the rest comes knocking on my doors, that's when I know, I've fought the good fight and I've kept the faith.

It's been a difficult month for me.I'm struggling to run to the best of my ability,but still, I won't give up.I will fight on.

Post-note:And.....
that made me smile.and left me wondering quite a bit.

2007-05-10T00:50:00.000+08:00

Some random musings for the week.I'll blog about something more constructive soon, promise.

1)I'm spending more than I should :(
2)I seriously think that Eisley and The academy is are the most overrated bands. With all the hype abt them,I expected much much more from their music. But some of the bands on Myspace with about 200 fans beat them hands down man.The only saving grace for The academy is is of course,Michael Guy Chisett.(yea being biased here.)
3)I'm really a suckler for "boy meets girl,girl chooses between fiancee and mysterious boy,and ends up with mysterious boy in Montana" kind of books.I can't really read joyluck club or Stephen King and things like that.For someone who likes literature,I think that's really weird.
4)Man looks at the outward appearance. Even if the outward appearance of that particular someone is drop dead gorgeous and she possesses style and attitude, but her inward appearance is of depression and hopelessness.
5)Topshop plays the best music any retail outlet can have.(ie.the flaming lips and the pipettes)
6)I love it when the camera does a close-up shot on Wentworth Miller(gorgeousgorgeousgorgeousgorgeoussssssssssssss) when i'm getting my dose of Prison Break.Meng would agree on this.
7)I pretty much love Uni 'cause I have Van and I know I'm doing something I like.
8)My room is so messy that it's even beginning to get to me.
9)I look nicer in white than black.
10)I get sick of songs quite easily.
11)Working in BnJ makes my life a happier one. (: It's the clouds,cows,patrick the starfish and people I tell you.
12)And on friendster people are always talking about ice cream with me and in church my guy frens are starting to call me and Meng 'the ice cream girls'. -_-
13)My life's pretty simple nowadays, despite the busyness.
14)Sometimes I still suffer from bouts of nostalgia. About? Well,Australia,School,and...

2007-05-05T01:23:00.001+08:00

Today was the first day of my Uni's orientation.It was bascially an introduction to Murdoch Uni and of course needless to say,after 10 minutes or so I began staring at the speaker.And I just stared. Vanessa felt the same way as I did.So she did what all bored students did.Note passing.I'm gonna type all of this down 'cause I find it super hilarious. Note that we did this in half an hour while the girl sitted next to us was peeking at our written conversation.

Van:Help.Boring.
Nat:eh I wonder who's in our full-time course.All the ppl here are so old!
Van:Seriously?They look pretty young. Did you hear what she said?Must come tmr=distinction.
Nat:huh..oh man.But I think I need help for my vodcast.
Van:Okay,what time do you need to be at SPH?
Nat:The thing's from 2 to 5p.m.Exactly the same time as the orientation.But I think if it's compulsory then I'll be here.
Nat:Do you think the guy next to me is in our class?hahaha!
Van:you think he's cute?I doubt it.He didn't raise his hand just now
Nat:HAHAHA you noticed too?But he didn't raise his hand either when they asked who's taking commerce.
Van:Ahhh..maybe computer??Geek.I didn't notice until you mentioned.hee.So not that hot la.
Nat:ok la.But he kind of caught my attention.Not that cute la.But above average.
Van:Okay,if you come tmr,maybe he'll be there.So come!
Nat:aiyo you just want me to come la.hahaha.this is so secondary school! (the letter writing thing)
Van:I know.As if.We do this during lecture too la.
Nat:What are they doing tmr?Think that girl beside you is in our class?
Van:Oh yea?(yes her handwriting was this big)
Nat:dunno.asking you.but she was peeking just now.so write smaller.lol.
Van:ok. this small ok.so boring la.
Nat:eh.that guy beside us has to be ard James's age.cause all the guys who are out of poly/JC have to be in NS first.
Van:oh yeah.hee.you...like him la right.
Nat:nooooo.it's just that there're no other cute guys around us.AT ALL.I'm so gonna blog about this.haha!so bimbotic.
Van:LOL!
Van:My parents are here.can't go shopping.sorry.Tmr la!
Nat:Actually I have cell group tmr.But I dont think I can make it in time leh.Ok that's alright.I'll just go to Guess or Dorothy Perkins and get smth nice for her.I think our conversation is damn funny.
Van:I know.I'm going to keep it. :)
Nat:No.Let me blog about it.Then I return to you on Monday.lol!
Van:No...I wanna show Shawn.Lol.
Nat:show on Monday la!hahaha.
Van:Noooo...
Nat:Ok i'm keeping this tonight.you go enjoy yourself with Shawn.I'll pass this to you tmr.Lol.so we going shopping tmr?
Van:Aiya.No I bring tmr.
Nat:Tmr!
Van:As if!
Nat:I'm coming.I've decided.
Van:Just to see the cute guy right?Nonsense!
Nat:nooooo.and must you write this in font size 96?!
Van:HAHA!!
Nat:Basket!
Van:font size 10000

and yes,in the end I got to bring back the piece of paper to blog abt it.Think i'm gonna photocopy a copy and frame it up.what do you all think?haha!After Van went to meet Shawn and her parents,I bumped into Nam,RJ and Joey and I hanged around with them at Cathy's Starbucks.AND I SAW THE GIRL THAT SAT NEXT TO VAN AKA THE GIRL WHO WAS PEEKING AT OUR WRITTEN CONVERSATION.hahahaha.I'm so sure she's in our class.Van is sure of it too.We're pretty jinxed,I think.ok kidding.

2007-05-03T02:09:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wish my parents will learn the definition of leaving me alone. I don't do drugs and I don't go around getting wasted. I don't watch the TV, not really. So I find my entertainment in music and using the internet. They are the only 2 people in the world who see a fault in them. I can't turn on the hi-fi for 15 minutes without having them saying something about it being too loud or noisy. I can't use the internet for more than 2 hours without them coming into my room(more like barging)and nag/raise their voice at me,asking me to turn off my comp.EVERY SINGLE DAY.
I just told my mum off. And it's her birthday today. But I do think that she needs to know when to leave me be. I don't question her about spending 3 hours infront of the black box everyday,so why in the world does she bugs me so much about using the internet ya da ya da? I'm 20, I've got a brain that I do use once in a while,if you haven't noticed. And I do need my space,and my much appreciated privacy.

Now, pass me that 'do not enter' sign.

2007-04-30T22:20:00.000+08:00

I hereby declare my intent to take the pledge of poverty for the month of may, seeing as how unneccessary expenditures have emptied out my pockets and I no longer have sufficient funds to pay for more important things like leaders' retreat and church camp.

I,Natalie Hannah Wong (no chinese names inserted,I'm not that stupid la dey!), promise to keep to these vows (or at least try to keep) as I take this pledge. I will not indulge in gourmet food unless it's absolutely paid for by my parents, and that includes eating $30 crab mee hoon and seafood platter for one at Fish and Co. I will stop sticking out my right hand and flagging down the next available cab unless it's a matter of life and death or late and gonna get chopped. I will curb my excessive compulsive shopping habits which is detrimental to my financial wellness, especially evil online sites with shirts that seem to have 'buy me' written all over them. I will stop walking down to places of destruction like Topshop,Forever21 and Diva which is the main cause for my current state of poverty. I shall pick up virtues that enables me to be more hardworking,so that I will work more and start on my urgently pending videos,which will in turn give me my much needed money.

yes,I should might as well declare bankrupt now seeing as how I have to pay for these:
1)31st May to 2nd June: Generations leaders' retreat $80
2)8th June to 10th June: Section chalet $??? (about $30-$50 I think)
3)11th June to 14th June: Church camp $215 (excluding other expenses like petrol,food etc.)

I mean, I really wanna go for them..but it's all within a span of two weeks and it chalks up a sizeable amount of money.My pay will be all gone man. I really have to work more this month and try to save as much as possible.I don't mind if I have to work doubly hard.I don't mind if I need to forgo some pretty skirts.I don't mind even if I can't dine at nice places this month. I need to save up for Aussie anyway which is what I've planned to do since March but I don't see the savings.But I'm most stressed over the SPH's Project S vodcast.It's due on 12th May and I have no ideas on what to do yet.Sighs.Even if I have something in mind,I still have to look for interviewees,arrange for interviews at their convenience,edit.AND IT'S ALL DONE IN MANDARIN.God knows I suck in mandarin!

Oh Lord,help! I trust that You will get me through this. I will not stress over this,I will lift all these into Your hands simply because I know You care for me.

2007-04-26T22:13:00.000+08:00

aiyohhhhhhhhhhh I tell you ah, I don't feel like typing in proper english today. YOU KNOW WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??? My goodness,so sway can!!!!!!! That day I wanted to get this yellow rainbow top from Wetseal which was on sale..the next time I went back there the top was gone. So I was like 'ok that was fast.' THENNNNNNNNN yesterday I went to GoJane and finally changed my mind after seeing this lovely white Arkadios top which was far cheaper than the previous top I wanted. And I just went back there and guess what? The link was removed.I tried searching but they couldn't find any items with that name. It finally dawned upon me that they've removed it because it's too old a stock to be placed online.AH WHAT THE HECKKKK!!so sway can!!It's time to mailbomb GoJane.

or maybe it's a hint for me not to shop so much. :(

2007-04-25T23:10:00.000+08:00

SAVIOUR KING

And now the weak say I have strength
By the spirit of power that raised Christ from the dead
And now the poor stand and confess

That my portion is here
and I'm more blessed

Pre-chorus
Let now our hearts burn with a flame
A fire consuming all for your Son's holy name
And with the heavens we declare
You are our king
We love you Lord, we worship you
You are our God, you alone are good

You asked your Son to carry this
The heavy cross our weight of sin
I love you Lord, I worship you
Hope which was lost, now stands renewed
I give my life to honor this
The love of Christ, the savior king

Let now your church shine as the bride
That you soar in your heart as you offered up your life
Let now the lost be welcomed home
By the saved and redeemed those adopted as your own

I give my life to honor this
The love of Christ, the savior king

I can't exactly explain who Jesus is to me. I can't tell you why something always tugs at me when I close my eyes and talk to Him and I begin to weep.It's strange how I'm always jumping from one thing to another, getting bored real quick,but I want to just sit forever at His feet in His presence. I can tell you 'God is awesome'. But the words won't justify. Somehow when I go to Him with things that confuses and frustrates me, He answers in the simpliest yet clearest way possible.I can't imagine my life without Him, and I won't wanna live without Jesus. These words spoken, aren't meant to be understood.They have to be experienced.

2007-04-22T00:52:00.000+08:00

I seriously need help.
Right now, Ong Jingyi is sms-ing me asking me to jog with her on Monday morning. And then she replied and asked me where in Pasir ris is good to jog. Here's what I said. "we go Pasir Ris Park?Then we can have McDonalds breakfast at Elias Mall!"

and the worst thing is, I wasn't being sarcastic. That was the first thing that crossed my mind.

Here's her reply. "No!Defeats the purpose of us jogging!"

Such words of wisdom.Why didn't I thought of it before?
Maybe because the Natalie that has been out of Siglap Secondary school for 4 years havent been jogging ever since? Any wonder why I failed my 2.4 by 8 secs?(I got gold during my sec school yrs) And she loves pigging out,in the form of steamboats,buffets,potlucks and Ben and Jerry's. And and, last night after I reached home I just conked out on my bed at 8.30P.M and I didn't wanna wake up at all when the alarm rang 2 hours later. I only woke up after my bro entered the room while on the phone with Isaiah(he told me later) and loudly proclaimed 'my sis is sleeping as usual'.

My only form of exercise nowadays is walking up and down the stretch of orchard(maybe from Wisma to Far East) looking for my babydoll top. (ie.shopping)
My extent of productivity doesn't go beyond chugging 2Kg worth of food down during steamboat.
When i'm not eating,working,sleeping or shopping, sometimes I will be engaged in a good game of Sims2. Right now I'm trying to help my child-less couple earn loads of moo-lah with their home floral business which has hit rank10. I think far for them and I have great dreams for their future.So pretty soon,I'll sell away their business and them started on their cafe business before they magically transform into elders in 15 days.wooooo.

When i'm not doing any of these things above, I'm out with my friends EATING and chilling out or using the internet checking out JunkFood t-shirts or stalking my friends' blogs and occasionally passing off as an anonymous tagger.

Oh alright.And I read at night.I'm currently reading the autobiography of Billy Graham. That's pretty productive.

Here's my life after graduation,in a nutshell.Well, almost. Sometimes it's a little more interesting.I go to my friend's house and paint shoes.After this entry,I'm gonna be so adamant to make a list of things to make my life more PRODUCTIVE. ok maybe now.An electronic list.

Let's name it Nat's 101 things to do to make her life a more interesting and useful one.

1) Work on that Flive video, lazy bum. And start ripping photos off Vincent's blog!
2) Come up with story ideas for upcoming vodcast. sigh.
3) Ring Esther and beg her to teach me guitar.
4) Research on digicams and come up with ways to persuade my parents to buy me a new cam for my birthday. Reasons must be provided.
5) Remember to buy next month's Seventeen and see if they will be hiring interns.
6) Get Addica'drobe up and running and actually start selling off my clothes.(and make my wardrobe less cluttered!)
7) Spring clean my room, lor.
8) Actually complete my Perth Scrapbook.Yes,it's not ready even after 2 years.
9) ah,get started on my portfolio?
10) Get my SIP cert from Miss chuah and cross fingers and hope that she'll release it.
11) Go out and take some photos.
12) Complete all given GCAM projects on time. T-shirt design,GCAM logo,ireach booklet.what else?
13) Try to plan for a getaway this August or December. Try.
14)Meet up with friends I havent seen in a long while.
15)Meet up with friends whom I always see but do something different and not eat so much for once.

ok that's all I can think of now 'cause i'm telling myself that it's time for some sleep.yes yes I know.As usual righttttt.Cheers to a more productive Nat this April (and the following months to come).
Hopefully.

2007-04-21T00:47:00.000+08:00

My bro got himself a job and he's starting work on Monday.A permanent job. In about 2 years time, I'll be out slogging my butt out as well. It's scary. Wasn't it just a couple of years back when we would make ourselves comfortable on the floor playing a good game of monopoly? While having dinner at Crystal Jade just now, there was a pair of mother and daughter seated next to us just catching up and she was telling her mum about her work and stuff. (she was talking quite loudly, I wasn't deliberately listening on her convo :P ) Sliently I thought to myself 'man,in a few years time, knowing how quickly it pass, I'll be like this lady over here.' Is it just me, or is it true that the working life wears you down slowly? Most of them are always relenting about their work and colleagues. Not to forget dirty politics going on, especially in the media industry. It just sucks the joy out of you, knowing or unknowingly. Right now, it's Music,Friends,Ben and Jerry's,God,Family,Holidays,God,Friends,Family. When you're a full-fledged adult, it's family,kids,completing that 18-page report,presentation to client,paying the bills, getting a (cheap) car,looking at furniture,working,checking the shares,buying insurance,and sometimes God.If time permits.

Oh Lord, let me always, always have time for You. When I'm young and still schooling. When I'm a little older and going out earning my livelihood. When I'm married. When I'm old and greying. I just want to have time for You.

2007-04-16T10:25:00.000+08:00

So here's the run down of what I did this week after Ong JingYi asked me yesterday what I have been doing. Good question.Have you watched 50 first dates? I feel like the girl who can't remember anything that happened yesterday,or the day before and so on. ):

Monday:I think I worked? (note to self:check time card when at work later)

Tuesday: Met RJ,Nam,his sis,Meng,Thiam siang and Joey.We went firstly to Suntec's BnJ to look for Sarah and Michelle Niam (i just had to insert her surname.haha!) and then had lunch at Subway..then headed to Peninsular to find meng's and nam's skinnies but to no avail. And then Edwin called and asked 'eh,want to go out anot?' and like an automated response all of us asked 'you got car,is it?' So with a trusty-but-too-small-for-7-people car, we headed to Parkway for me to grab Mocha ice blended from Coffee bean,and then zoomed down Siglap for dinner at Cartel. On the way from Peninsular to Parkway, can I add that Edwin put on some christian rock music and wind down the windows so you can imagine how thrilled the guys were. And you would think that we were dead beat after all the day's activities but that's not all.After sending Nam and his sis home, me,Meng and Edwin decided to chill at East Coast Park.So we talked until Coffee Bean closed and went over to McCafe until my dad called and nagged at me. Finally at 1.30a.m, we decided to call it a day and went back.While heading to the car, someone called out my name and I realised it's none other than Adil, my ex class manager in sec3. But I didn't approach him for a chat 'cause all his mat friends were there and I know none of them even though I wanted to talk the ears off him.So better not.hahaha.And he used to nicknamed me 'chatterbox'. Ok,moving on.

Wednesday: I worked opening, and then went to alter my supposedly-skinny-but-apparently- not-skinny-enough jeans which now turns out TOO SKINNY 'cause I can barely put my legs through the hole and I walk robotic now cause I can't bend my knees.Then I still told the auntie 'nvm, tight good.I want it to be tight.' -_- I better find ways to expand my jeans.

Thursday: I think I worked as well. oh yea,I did. I worked closing, and then it was supper with Kenny,Eric,Joycelyn and Christelle at ECP. And it's fun to work with the both of them 'cause I can get to find out Michelle Niam's embarrassing secrets. hahaha!

Friday: Went out with Michelle (Niam) and Meng to surprise Sarah Wong Chen Xiang at work since it was her Birthday. And she treated us to Mix and Match :D Then we had dinner at New York New York. Wait like for an hour plus before we got ushered in? And that was after I said at a substancial volume that I worked for SPH and I was gonna write a bad review for them or smth. But honestly, I don't think they heard me la.lol. Then we tried heading home.Why I said 'tried'? 'Cause after Mich alighted at Eunos, on the way to Kembagan Edwin called Meng again. 'eh wanna go out?' And I happened to be with Meng so she looked at me and asked 'edwin asked us if wanna go out.' then both of us were like 'wahlao!' But we alighted anyway at Kembagan and went to Church to meet the rest. So eventually, we decided on going to Bedok 85 for supper since there were no movies to watch. So on a fateful Friday night,I had supper with Edwin,my bro,meng,Rudy and Andrew. And again,after sending Rudy and Andrew home,Edwin asked if we wanted to drive to Changi Village. So we went for a short tour around to spot bakpos and after that we went to see aeroplanes.But couldn't see much 'cause the terminal blocked the runway and we can't see the planes taking off. But we took some 'prison break look-alike' photos while we there cause there were the barb wires.

Saturday: cell day

Sunday: Yesterday I had a BnJ meeting with all the supervisors and scoopers from Whitesands and Downtown. Among the 4 tables,ours was the noisiest la.Thanks to Ryane!(and me.hurhur) She was like showing us her strawberry shortcake pencil case and then creating a big hoo-ha with Eric because of the top she was wearing. haha! And not forgetting taking 3/4 of my seat after I kindly offered to share my chair with her lor. ok kidding. And she was asking me why I didn't blog so here I am blogging (about you). You should feel honoured man! lol.It's great seeing all of them especially since I haven't worked with some of them for ages. And we really have so many new faces now man. Can't wait for free cone day..Trying to squeeze 15 scoopers into our outlet itself is as fun as a rollercoaster ride,if you know what I mean. After the meeting ended, some of us went to Burger King to grab some lunch but I had to leave early for church. But didn't leave early enough so i had to cab down. After church I went to Parkway for awhile with Sarah and Mich, then Weizheng and Jingyi came to look for me and we shopped around for awhile. Finally after 3 hours of it, we went to pick up my bro and headed to TM for his birthday celebration. Initally my bro was broke so he wanted something budget but since there were like 12 of us,Isaiah suggested that we go Fish and Co. and we can just fork out extra and treat him. Then my bro was quite hesitant cause he didn't want to be sabo-ed (knowing us) so Carol promised him that we will not embarrass him.So imagine our surprise when the whole entourage approached the table, which is really quite a sight to behold. Then Carol was like 'eh I didn't tell them it was ur birthday!really!' And then Isaiah starting sniggering so we found out who the culprit was. Should have already guessed it anyway. Then he was like'hahaha!25 yrs old already still hold sparklers!' Funny la. But he got free ice cream,so it made up for all his embarrassment. And speaking of food, I almost finished the seafood platter for one by myself. :D so shiok.

Today: Lunching with Maybelline,Huiying and Ginli later..after a looooong time of putting our lunch off. Forever postponing la! But today's the day.lol. Then I'm gonna work closing.

Ok I just realised I've been blabbering all these while and typing like a retard while at it. I'm not the sort to blog about my daily routines and what I shopped for and what I did after I brushed my teeth on Tuesday 5p.m. But I don't do it often and people have been asking me what i've been doing so here you go. Not exactly the most exciting piece of news/write-up (which really shows that I do lead a normal life.hahaha.) but you have to blog about this once in a while,right? And if you must know,while shopping at Parkway yesterday at 4.30p.m., I bought myself a pair of floral print wooden earrings from Topshop. haha! If you must. Time out.

2007-04-09T23:58:00.000+08:00

CHIEN KWOK SENG!
you irritating tagger.
1)no wonder the passer-by this time round talk so 'cho lor'
2)and then say stupid things like 'bang bang you are dead'
3)sounded so unconcerned when i told you about it.

NO WONDER.
you're a sickening pig.

but at least now i know nobody hates me :D

2007-04-08T10:24:00.000+08:00

Ikea trip!It's been almost a month since but Eun only uploaded the photos a few days ago.

The aftermath.30 meatballs, one plate of chicken and chips meal and two plates of curry chicken for four people. Buffets underestimate our capabilities man!

Trena is spastic.

Then it's our turn.

Yea I know

Eunice said the rats can't be seen. NG!

But I looked less disgusted here.

WeLcOmE To My RoOmXxxX ^-^

Us again

Um,i think i warned you that Trena was spastic?

Now she tries her hand on the scratch disc.

The next thing we knew, she tried bathing in the middle of ikea.
"stop it...I said STOPPPP IT!"

The secret's out, people.

Aishah the maid.

Say,this thing looks comfy.

and then.........

I was hungry so I had Aishah for lunch.

I wantttt Trena too. You can put on gory music now.

Then the 3 monkeys came along with me to work and had some chocolate fudge brownie.

okok,I'll get down to work.SOON!

2007-04-03T00:36:00.000+08:00

Many years ago when I was still a student in St.Hilda's, I was taught hymns and Christian songs. I learnt this song. It goes like this:

I have decided, to follow Jesus
I have decided, to follow Jesus
I have decided, to follow Jesus
No turning back, no turning back

The world behind me, the cross before me
The world behind me, the cross before me
The world behind me, the cross before me
No turning back, no turning back

Though none go with me, still I will follow
Though none go with me, still I will follow
Though none go with me, still I will follow
No turning back, no turning back

It was completed with actions and all. That was just another nice song to me at that point of time. A song I learnt with my other classmates. I didn't understand what it really meant even though I sang it almost every week.

10 years down the road, sometimes I find it hard to utter the lyrics of this song. Yesterday I sang it, grasping the meaning of each word.

"I have decided to follow Jesus." Said Jim Elliot. He traded in his life at 30 to the Auca Indians.

"I have decided to follow Jesus." Said Mother Theresa. She devoted her entire life loving people.

"I have decided to follow Jesus." Said Richard Wurumbrand. He was imprisoned for 16 years for preaching the gospel. He was in jail for such a long time, he forgot how to write.

"I have decided to follow Jesus." Said Rachel Scott. She was shot dead at the Columbine high school massacre after replying 'you know I do' when one the gunmen asked if she believed in God.

"I have decided to follow Jesus." Said Peter. After he was caught, he requested to be crucified upside down as he's not worthy to be crucified the same way as his saviour did.

Their depth of devotion, passion and faith amazes and puts me to shame. They taught me that it's more than just singing a song. Yesterday I stood singing this song, with tears streaming down, I knew I'm ruined. I gave up myself, with outstretched arms, to exchange for His plans and purposes and accomplishing them. I may never have to face a day where I have to choose between my life and God. I won't know. But everyday I do have to choose if I am gonna live for Him. And I know there will come a time He's going to demand things from me. And if I say no, He will say, 'You said you decided to follow Me, didn't you?'

"I have decided to follow Jesus." Said Natalie. The story continues.

2007-03-26T00:30:00.000+08:00

A Charles Jordan Bag and a Lightbulb Moment.
Have you ever had one of those times when all of a sudden everything is presented to you in clarity and you get a revelation about something? That's a lightbulb moment.

Right now I have a thing for vintage bags. So yesterday my mum passed me her black leather Charles Jordan bag. When I retreated to my room and starting cleaning my new bag, I had a lightbulb moment. This bag is something she bought more than a decade back..so I remembered taking photos with her when I was five with her under a huge Christmas tree, with this particular bag. I was thinking to myself 'wow,mum must have saved up a lot just to get this bag then.' I imagined her slogging just to buy the black patent leather bag that would set her back $450. Funny how now that I've started working, I begin wanting stuff like a new phone, vintage bags and a good digital camera.

When I was 5, I thought my mum as my protector, as someone I will stand beside when she's making dinner and ask her questions about what kindergarten teacher taught me that day.

When I was 10, I thought my mum as an overprotective, strict parent who's too outdated for my own good.

When I was 15, I thought my mum as someone who just don't and won't understand my feelings. Who won't give her daughter a listen and will judge her cause of what she said.

I'm turning 20.

Yesterday as I sat on my bed clutching the leather bag, my mind took a long trip back to the 1970s. Where a young lady worked hard and indulged in pretty handbags like many other girls would. Where she worked hard until she stopped working to look after her daughter. I imagined her and her husband checking their bank balance, wondering when they could buy a new car so that they can bring their family out for outings. I imagined her taking time off just to bring her kids to Pizza hut for their weekly treat and the occasional trips to the beach. And she worked hard, to give her family a better life. And slowly, her children grows up. Her husband and her grew up under hard conditions, and nobody taught them how to be good parents. They wondered why it was so difficult to hold a good conversation with their daughter and why their son was never home for dinner. They wondered why their daughter would say they don't bother about her life when they tried their best to provide for all her needs.

forward it 30 years later.

Sitting on that bed, I finally know how my mum feels, her sacrifices and struggles to hold the family together, and for the first time in my life, I understand. And it's at that point when I feel, I'm an adult.

So here's to you, for being the best mum in the world. (:

2007-03-22T13:20:00.000+08:00

A quarter of 2007 has just gone by. Sort of flew out of my window without me realising it. I'm beginning to think that my life's a soap opera. A few mishaps each episode, but nothing dramatic happens. And it goes on and on and on, but never ends. I'm sorry if this entry is gonna be truncated and random. It's just that I've so much to say, but when I've sat down and ready to type,i'm speechless. Let me try to sum it up in points.

From the exterior,

1)For real, i've graduated. My final semester results aren't too bad, even though I expected something better for Law. So I scored a 3 for my GPA. Yea,nothing fantastic I know. I'm quite surprised when my colleague told me the average GPA of her course is 4.0 when nobody in my cohort has such scores at all. Guess it's different from Engineering and IT school.

2)I've been busy with conferences, and now I'm trying to busy myself with work to earn extra cash. To save up for Perth next year and also for my long list of indulgences like a nokia 7373 (but not pink.) and a new digital camera.

3)Trying to sell away the huge pile of clothes in my wardrobe. ):

4)If I'm gonna be a part-time student at Murdoch, I have no idea what I'm gonna do with the other half of my time.

To the interior.

5)I feel aimless. I feel like there's nothing to look forward to.

6)Someone advised me. "it may only take you a week or a month to get over it." It's been 2 months and I feel neither here nor there.

7)My first guitar lesson should be on Monday.

8)I don't know what to do with my dreams.

9)Every once in awhile on bus rides, I gaze out of the window and wished I was somewhere else.
Maybe Canada or something.

10)Sometimes I wish I over excelled in something. Just like how some people are scholars,musically-inclined or artistic. Again, I feel neither here nor there.

11)Believe it or not, after graduating I don't know how in the world I'm gonna find a job. Magazines are a niche industry.

12)Most of the time I will feel like I've gotten over things. Then sometimes talking about stuff will bring me back to some memories I only know as bitter-sweet ones.

13)I don't know what's gonna happen in my life,honestly. But sometimes I want the courage to say,'I'm going backpacking.Don't know when I'm gonna be back.' And really live my life. But I can't leave all of it behind, 'cause I'm entering Uni,getting a degree, and hopefully a good job after that. Like all other students out there. Going down the traditional road. Living the dreams of our parents and country.

14)And yes,I do wish to have been born in a filthy rich family. I'm thankful that my dad worked his way up and provided us with a comfortable lifestyle, but we're not rich as in bungalows-and- porsches kind of sense. Not because I wanna show off. Think about it. Then I won't have to stay in Singapore to study to save money for my family because 20k won't make a difference to them cause we're so filthy rich. Then I can buy whatever I want and don't have to crack my brains on where to sell or even chuck my unwanted stuff because my house's so huge I can put them anywhere and my family's so filthy rich I don't have to get money by selling my clothes.
Then I can go for any church and youth camps without checking the balance in my bank account. Then I can live my dreams and go backpacking for 2 years or something. Then I think my parents will feel happier. I know people will come up to me and say, most rich people are not happy. I do think life's more than earning the big buck. But the truth is,I think my parents are happy when they could afford to bring us out for nice meals at Crystal Jade or pamper themselves with material goods and spa indulgences. And even travelling. In a way, when the quality of life improves, people are happier. When you're not so rich, you're only happy when you learn to embrace your situation and make the best out of what you have. When you're really poor,you're only happy when you start trusting God to provide for all your needs. So all in all, nobody's really contented with being living from dollar to dollar.

2007-03-18T00:50:00.000+08:00

If the mountains are like dust to Him, then we're nothing more than minuscule creatures scuttling around.
I have no idea why He makes me feel that i'm unique when the room's jam packed with youths like myself.
I have no idea how He can love me so much even though I've failed Him so many times.
I can't comprehend the many lovely thoughts He always think about me when I can easily point out my flaws.
I can't explain the feeling when He speaks to me. It's like a fresh breath of life into my being.
Despite the many times I slipped away, the Shepherd pulls me aside and said ,"don't you ever run away from me again."
There're many things I can never understand.
I can never understand why God would love me so much. But He does. And sometimes, that's all you need to know.

2007-03-04T23:13:00.000+08:00

New York, New York!
2nd March '07

It was hard fitting all 5 of our faces in 'cause Vicky's hand was too short. haha!

I just had to put this up. heh heh.

So it was C9's almost complete (except for YP and Trena) gathering on Friday. Eun,Vicky and me reached earlier than the rest so we queued up first. BIG mistake 'cause we waited for an hour before there were seats for us. While waiting, we tooked some photos and each of us pretended to be an easel.

eunice gets a 9/10 for her expression.

2/10. Actually I should just delete this photo altogether 'cause I have no idea what Vicky was trying to act sulky at.lol.

I give myself an 8. Know why? 'Cause I showed only my eyes. The full face would definitely be awarded a 10. But that's only because I'm the judge, of course.

I love my red nails

And guess what came through the post on Wednesday? My acceptance letter to Murdoch :(
It won't matter now that I'm not going. Still a little bummed about it.

I've officially graduated from Temasek Polytechnic after completing my last exam on Thurs. It's weird to know that I have nothing to 'look' forward to now that I'm done with school. Previously I knew another term would start soon. But I'm completely free. I have to start making concrete plans and make sure my 2 months of freedom before I commence Univrsity is not spent friviously. The past few days have been going about catching up on my free time, doing things I like best and spending time with people who mean much to me. So Thurs after Law exam was with Jules, Li ang, Vanessa and Esther at Tampines for awhile before they rush off to church and dinner. These are the friends from Poly who keep me sane and make BMR and Media Law bearable. Then it was Fish and Co. with Jason leezzzzz and JingYi and her friends. Point to note: fish and co was actually my second dinner 'cause I had Pepper lunch with Jules and co right before that. lol. And Yes, right after fish and co was Bedok 85 'cause Supper Gang summoned the rest of us to Pasir Ris central which I verbally opposed to 'cause seriously, there's so much Beef La Mian you can take in a month. I suggested 85 and most of them went along except for the 3 boys who can crawl to Pasir Ris central back and forth within 5 minutes (slight exageration there) namely, Gerard,Rongjie and Jing Wei. So it was Johnny,Mengye, Jason leezzzzz, JingYi, Jasper, Kwok Seng and me. Of course, I had my favourite-ss-ss-ss Green Tea Tang Yuan :D And I went home on Thursday like a bloated fish.

Then came Friday which was with my favourite-ss-ss-ss homies yo. (Ok just trying to insert some hip-hop crap here. Random!). Actually, my favourite girls. 7 of us with the exception of YP and Trena. Sat was cell day and today was Church day. After church was lunch and then did a little shopping with Jingyi at Bugis. After which, headed to Daniel's birthday bash. And here I am typing this at 12.30a.m. Before I take a bow and you move on to the next interesting blog, here's something serious that I'm gonna try to put to words.

I really feel that Generations needs drastic changes. Change in the people's attitudes, change in our relationship with God, Change of hearts. I'm provoked that some of you talk about backsliding like you want another glass of coke. What's with this flippant attitude? It's NOT funny when you backslide. Even more so that these are the words coming from someone who has been in church for sometime. Please. I'm nowhere near mentioning names and pinpointing. I have my own faults,my own flaws. But let's move on from our mistakes and problems. Let's just get over them. I don't care who's reading this. What I'm saying is, and I'm talking to every believer here, enough of weak faith. Enough of going through the motions. Enough of standing by watching when my Pastor's sharing his heart. Even during service today the Presence of God was so evident and yet I could feel even when I was praying that some people were so ignorant to what was going on. It's as though they're walking with mud on their eyes. WAKE UP. Seriously. You're excused if you're new and you don't understand anything about feeling God. I'm talking to people who feel God's presence and refuse to run with it. I'm talking to people who think it's alright if they don't pray and not read the Word and think they're walking right with God. I'm talking to people who make light of God's word. So what if we have 400 youths? If most of them are not serious and think that church is some social club, then I'll rather we lose some people and have 200 people full-on for Jesus. If the attitude towards God is that you have problems right now and you can't care less about Him or you think church is boring and you're only here week after week cause of your friends, then let me enlighten you on something. Jesus didn't die for you only for you to say 'i'm backsliding 'cause cell is boring.' If I can be so upset over your attitude, imagine the Lord's grief. He did so much for you, and all He wants is to spend some time with You. Stop going around busying yourself with temporal fun, punching people and all these nonsense. Start living your life right man. Enough said.

2007-03-02T11:30:00.000+08:00

Noise: Pull shapes- The Pipettes

My feelings are apt here. Click here for a dose of Endography and words.

2007-02-25T00:16:00.001+08:00

Today's zone service was really different. I love it when we slip into a routinal mode and God shows up and surprises. 'cause that's who He is. He hates religiousity and sick cycle carousels. I hate it too. But I can't believe how weak-hearted I've become. Such a far cry from how I used to be a few years ago. Shuning at the slightest hint of trouble. Running from problems. I saw how poly changed me and wore me out. From coursemates who are too critical about my character to insecurities. Then it turned to hurts and scars. They dried up but didn't die out. It's still somewhere, lurking around, waiting to strike at my most vulnerable. Then I have a head-on battle with myself. I kick myself sometimes for being who I am 'cause I speak too fast, faster than I can think. I kick myself for holding on to things. I kick myself for worrying too much. I kick myself for not letting the past go. That is my sick cycle carousel. They make revolutions around my head. But not for long. Even as my bro prayed for me 2 weeks back, he said that adjustments are gonna be made in my life. I'm at this phase where things are being dealt with, stubborn stains that have been there for too long and adamant to stay. I do think it's not going to be an easy year, where God will demand things from me that I'm unwilling to let go of. A year where I have to stand up and fight. I'm going to struggle but I won't stumble. It's going to be victorious.

P/S: Passerby always runs away when I ask who he/she is. weird. and the person's so interested in my life that I'm convinced he/she knows me personally. But at least I don't have anonymous taggers coming around telling me to shut up or that I'm fat or something. For which I'm glad.

2007-02-17T18:31:00.000+08:00

So yesterday marked my last day of school. Unlike 3 years ago, I didn't feel the same sadness, I didn't have the same worries and I'm not nostalgic. Honestly, my poly education ended almost too quickly and perhaps the only thing I feel right now is 'where do I go from here?' The same question that has been in my head for the past few months. Finally, I really need to sit down and contemplate about things and pray about it.

Right now though, my short-term plans are,
1) Work more and save up
2) Get rid of dark circles ):
3) Rest
4) Bangkok with brother and friends and probably Japan with family. I have yet to mention it to them though. Or, what about Europe?
5) Learn the guitar
6) Catch up with some people whom I haven't seen in ages i.e Maybelline, Class of 2003 (4H)

Speaking of which, I was heading home in a cab last night when this driver from the car next to mine started waving to me. I couldn't recognised him and I was thinking 'sia la, which mat is this trying to disturb me?' Then these 2 guys from the backseat started waving damn excitedly to me as well. I stared at them for 3 seconds and realised that they were none other than Syed and Zul. haha! The whole gingang of them were in the car. What a way to bump into them. lol.

This week was a real busy one, rushing the last of projects and fatigue was getting to me. However, I still had time for some friends.
Valentine's Day: Girls night out at Isaiah's house took a turn and became guys' night out instead 'cause of overwhelming response from the girls and self-invitations from the guys. Eventually it became a normal hang-out session again with regular visitors, Gerard,Kenneth,Elisha,Kwok Seng,MengYe and me amongst others. We rented 3 DVDS, namely, 'high school musical' (not my choice but we thought the younger girls will like it), 'just like heaven' and 'my best friend's wedding.' We took them out and asked the guys to pick one and they swiftly turned to Xbox and played Fifa instead. I wonder why. Stayed over with Sarah, Mich and the guys.

Thursday: Went to fetch Cherish from the airport with Di and Sha. Cher was jet-lagged and extremely hot and dinner was ice kachang, bo-bo cha cha, sea coconut and ice logan. Then, they went back to gramp's house while me and bffl headed to TM's cartel and had fudge cake. Of course, the best part wasn't the cake but rather the company and conversation. I could sit at the void deck and enjoy myself just as much. (: Man, i'm so glad that Cher is back, after 4 long years. It's weird though, when I saw her I felt like she never left.

Yesterday: School, work, then supper with Kwokseng and Jingwei.

Today: Finally decided to take my Napfa test and I'm sad to announce that after 3 years of not exercising, I have degraded from gold to a 'participated in Napfa test'. Damn! And guess what? I failed by 8 seconds. Think I should join bffl for jogs soon. But of course she'll run from tampines to Elias mall and meet me at Macs, have breakfast, then we'll run together. NO WAY AM I GONNA RUN FOR 2.5 HOURS. haha!

But right now, as in NOW, I have to spring clean the rest of my room and change for reunion dinner.Yikes, I better hurry.It's 7.15 alreadyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

2007-02-14T02:30:00.000+08:00

I was just surfing through Cloud9's photobucket. Oh my goodness we really did such crazy stuff and some of us really looked sooo different! lol. I had a ball of a time laughing at the photos. Aiyah, when poly is out we can,shall,will and MUST have an outing!!

Christmas 2003

The Power Fart Girls. lol.

Prom night 2003
(:

Was this when I came back from Perth?

Bell and Eun. Yea tt's how much Eun adores her.

Mustard sauceeeeeeee.They were too hungry.

I think this was some 4G gathering. I was the extra.

I spent 2 minutes laughing at this photo.
HAHAAHAHAHAHA.

Bell trying to strangle darling Eunice.

Night self study! (not that we studied much)

All of us with the exception of Cher

Me and the BFFFL

Neoprintsssss! We have tons of them.

Di say I step dye hair but no colour come out. Sad Sia. This was after Os.

Told you I have crazy friends.

Alright, looking at these photos make me miss you girls too much. PLAN THAT OUTING ALREADY!!!!

2007-02-13T22:28:00.000+08:00

So some adjustments are needed in my life in 2007.
I still don't exactly know what they are and honestly I'm a little scared.
Will it ask too much of me? Can I give it up?
I know all things will work out eventually. Call me faithless, but i just can't see it now.

You know why I cried when I was told to stay in Singapore? Maybe 'cause I was looking so much for an escape. An escape to my problems, an escape to living the life that I'm living. I want a fresh beginning so much. I want to finally experience living on my own, having new friends, having nobody to judge me on what I did and of course, to live in somewhere I've always wanted to live. I want to cruise down the winding roads, feel the cool breeze against my skin and warmth from the sun on my face.

I'm not saying that my friends suck. I do think I have the best friends anyone can ever have. Or friends for that matter. I do thank God for loads of ppl. Cloud 9, my church friends in particular, for being who they are and always so accepting of me, my cell group who is my second family, my closer secondary school friends and some other people i've got to know along the way. But I wanna jet off to some faraway country to take a breather. A long breather. And hope with crossed fingers that some memories will fade like those yellowed dog-earred pieces of paper you have lying somewhere in the room. Not only that, it's something I've always always wanted to do. It's a dream. And dreams are there to be fulfilled. I have a long list of dreams for myself and of course, God. Some are known to my friends, some are only mentioned in the prayer closet.

But you know what I think? Some dreams have to be given up in order for bigger ones to be realised. If I have to give up going to Aussie 'cause God has something in stored for me in Singapore, then I'll stay. "My will is to do the will of my Father's," said Jesus. I'm 19, going on 20. I do believe there's another 50 years or so for me. In these 50 years, I see myself writing for magazines. I see myself in Africa. I see myself helping kids fulfil their dreams. The list will grow. In whatever I do, I wanna be God driven. I may be going through a phase right now and handling some issues I have, but I won't falter or turn away. I won't, but I'll stand firm on where I've placed my values upon, and I won't let go of what I know to be true. Even though I have my tough times, I won't forget the One who gave me a hope to live, the One who showed me what true love meant.

:)

Lastly, thank you. To all my friends who have spent time with me, listening to me whine about stuff, hearing my worries and encouraging me. The late-night suppers, small talks, outings, walks at the Esplanade are not forgotten. I appreciate each and every one of you.

2007-02-05T01:24:00.000+08:00

Despite the endless deadlines and countless articles I have to churn out, I'm still here typing with relative ease. I have to say that i'm taking things a step at a time. In terms of dealing with issues and handling my school work. But I'm coping well, if I do say so myself. Not much emo nights, maybe 'cause I occupy myself with enough company and stuff to do so my mind won't drift somewhere else.

Charles mentioned about learning to trust God yesterday. I wonder how many times I've said I trusted God and really did so without having the slightest doubt? Many times I say a prayer that goes something like this: 'Lord, teach me to learn how to trust you in this area.' or 'Lord, I want to have faith that you're gonna do this and I know that everything is in your hands and I shouldn't worry.' But I think I've never told God that I trusted Him completely. Even if the odds seemed to be against me. Even if it seemed that nothing was happening. I'm learning though. Slowly but surely.

I feel that this has been a good week. My countenance has lit up quite a bit.
Monday and Tuesday were projects days. Wednesday was work day plus supper with BFFFL. Thursday was crazy project day and wanting-to-burn-my-laptop day. Friday was shopping day with Trena and the BFFFL and Meet-the-ex-Siglapians day. Honestly. The 3 of us were at town and we bumped into Fahmi,Ian,Fadhil and Raq one after another. Weird. But great seeing them all the same. Saturday was cell day. I really think that we're a family. It's funny 'cause I was previously in another cell for about 3 years straight and I didn't feel such closeness as I do with my current cell. Then again, it may be because I feel much more integrated in Generations and the church now. Today was church day and Coffee bean with friends and soccer at Isaiah's place day. I've never felt such patriotism for Singapore in my life or rather, such a love for soccer before. Catching soccer with the guys is really quite an interesting thing. It brings out the funniest and worst in them. Lol. But ay, all of us including the girls were shouting as well. You get hyped up after awhile. (:

Tmr will be go to school for 4 hour lunch break day and hopefully Sakae Sushi buffet day. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my tutor will let us off early. Tuesday will be waking up at 5.30 to send Charles off day. Goodness I haven't woke up so early since Siglap days but sometimes it feels good to know that you kick start the day fresh. And back then nothing beats having friends to look forward to when you're leaving the house before sunrise. But we'll leave that for some other time yea?

For now I'm bowing out and making a beeline for my bed 'cause I slept at 5 yesterday just to complete Charles's video and I was out till 2 on Friday with Di. So i'm reeeeally drained. Here's to a less stressful and better week ahead. (yea I'm still trying to convince myself)

Much Love from an exhausted but generally happy Nat. *grins*

2007-01-30T11:38:00.001+08:00

Last night while waiting to drift off to sleep, I took a long forgotten stroll along a once familiar place. A place I spent few years of my life at. This time though, it was void of excitement and chatter. I, and I alone was walking through memory lane. I walked pass the place where we catch up with our friends in the mid-day. I reached the basketball court, and silhouettes began playing in my head. The friendly matches and the class practices were being remembered. I saw the field where we would run and the guys would play soccer. The memories rose from the ashes and I teared. I can't recall being this happy when I bidded goodbye to that place. Every morning was a social gathering. I missed the feeling of having flutters in my guts whenever the guy I am crushing on walked pass. A juvenile reaction at its best while growing up. I remembered crying when the guy I liked rejected me. I remembered fights with my best friends and childish riffs with other girls. I remembered lugging a huge backpack and waiting for 53 before sunrise. I remembered the fun we all had during bio lab lessons. I remembered, I remember. Last night I took a walk to the place where we would sweat under the hot sun, with you. This time the day was late and it was just the both of us reminiscing on the past. I remembered tearing and you were comforting me. For the loss of good times. For the loss of such feelings. Then, I raised my fingers and they touched the moist corners of my eyes. Nostalgia never lost its touch on me. Was there even a time when I was really in secondary school, carefree and honestly happy? I've forgotten how it feels. All I know is it's at the back of my mind and I'm clinging on to every thing I can remember about those few years. So i won't forget that once upon a time, I know happiness. That once upon a time, I got to know my best friends from this particular place. That once upon a time, the person I like would walk me to school and teased me like all my other classmates do. Memories.

On a sidenote, welcome home BFFFL. (:

2007-01-26T01:04:00.000+08:00

it's 1.30a.m. on a Thursday night and I just thought about something again.

Have you ever wondered why people can pucker up such courage to end their lives but they can't find the strength to face their problems?

I am suddenly reminded of this story that a preacher once told us. He said that during his quiet time everyday God would ask him to pray for an hour against this particular wall. So he starts speaking in tongues for an hour. After a few weeks of that, his neighbours came to his house and they asked if they could dine together. So the preacher said yes. At the dinner table they didn't say anything and the preacher wondered why they would asked him out for dinner and didn't wanna talk. Finally he asked, 'do you mind if i talk about God?' They replied,'that was what we were here for.' So he shared with them about Jesus. After that they accepted Christ and the neighbour's daughter spoke up.'I've been battling with depression for the past 3 months and I just feel like ending it all.Everyday I just feel like killing myself. At night when I'm in my room, I will hear you speaking in that funny language of yours and somehow I feel like I can live for another day." Amazing isn't it?

Sometimes I seriously feel like ending it all as well. As in, I just want the world to stop. Either that I just wanna go home. Go back to a much better somewhere..where there's worship and joy abundant. Where I'll meet God. Sometimes I just want God to take me home. That's when I feel like everything's too much to bear. But thank God that at the end of the day, the slightest thing like precious photos and talking to my mum cheers me up. Thank God for good friends who counsel me and love me for who I am. Thank God for my wonderful cell group which I love to bits. And for that, I could hold on for a little while more. But of course, nothing beats talking to God Himself. I love the fact the I don't have to go into His presence with pretense or as a religious act. I love the fact that I could just tell Him that my day sucked and He wouldn't take a rod and give me a disapproving glare. I love the fact that there's liberty in God's presence. I love the fact that when I feel like my world is tumbling I can hold on to Jesus, the solid Rock. I love the fact that I can weep for an hour but feel His comfort. There's nothing greater than knowing Jesus. As cliche and cheesy as it might sound, I really CAN live without many things but I can't live without God.

2007-01-25T15:01:00.000+08:00

My blog..is really an avenue to vent things out. Just look at what I wrote. Any passer by would be depressed after reading what I wrote for the past month. This is what I have to say. Forget about the 'I wish i was less complicated and feeling less frustrated.' thoughts. I cannot put it down to words anymore. After this post, there will be no more emo posts. NO MORE. I had enough. And I think everybody have. I'm gonna pick up things from where it left off, brush off the dust and move on. I'm not saying I won't be sad..hmm..but I should try and think more happy thoughts. And be more like myself. Cause it seems like when I'm happy, nothing can get me down. But when i'm upset, the slightest criticism leaves me in tears. That sucks. But to everyone who's reading this, this is really what I have to say here. (points below)

I really wish that I can explain myself to you. really really. But the words came out wrong and the damage is done. I wanna explain, but I get tongue-tied.

You know what I really want?

I just want things to return to where it used to be. Then I try. But I don't know if I'm doing it right.
There was once upon a time where we could talk for 6 hours without feeling bored. Without you feeling awkward. Without me being upset or jealous. Just talking like how good friends do. That's where I want things to be.

Don't know if you're reading this, but I do love you as my friend. And if i'm gonna be your friend, I want to be a good one. (:

2007-01-22T21:11:00.000+08:00

Some days I feel like everything's alright. In the comfort of my friends, the world's at my fingertips and all fluffed-up. I don't feel alone. Some days, I just feel that it's all spiralling downwards. I KNOW I'm loved. I KNOW I shouldn't be feeling upset. I KNOW that it's not worth crying over it and it's about time to move on. But feelings ARE feelings. I can't help it when I laugh, neither can I control myself when I'm sad. Right now I'm frustrated. Frustrated that I feel upset. Frustrated that I can't get over this. Frustrated that I'm not strong enough to put up a brave front and show you that I'm fine. Frustrated with feeling frustrated. Frustrated that I feel like I messed things up. Frustrated that I fcel that it's all my fault. Frustrated that I feel that I'm not good enough.

It's only 10.10p.m. Please tell me how I'm gonna get through tonight. and I HATEHATEHATE feeling emo. Today is Some Day. I'm frustrated. I'm sad. I'm emo. I'm stressed up. WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY??? I wanna tell myself to screw off for being such a pain.

2007-01-18T20:28:00.000+08:00

~~Sad eyes, please rest. Please.~~

2007-01-16T01:01:00.000+08:00

it's always hard when you're presented with only 2 options. A 'go' or 'no-go'? A definite 'yes' or 'no'?
It won't help if I shut my mouth and refuse to commit to any of those. Here's the senario. I've an opportunity to go to Perth to study. It's something I've dreamt of doing since I reached my adolescent years. BUT I'm not that rich and I have responsibilities here. In my church and family.
The thing is, I don't wanna look back 10 years later when I have a stable job and say 'I wished I had gone to Australia to study for the experience. Now I will never know how it's like.' And I don't wanna tax my parents too much on my expenses. So what now? Decisions decisions. I'm confused, but I do know one thing. Psalm 23:1. The Lord is my Shepherd. The Shepherd leads His sheep home always.

I feel like I'm at this huge field covered with pretty little flowers and I'm ready to take flight. I flapped my wings, but alas. I glanced down and saw weights holding me down. All I needed to do was to reach down and detach them from my ankles. I yanked them off and looked up, all ready to take flight, once again. This time though, nothing's holding me down but the wings drooped and I'm not sure if I really wanna do this anymore.

2007-01-07T22:53:00.000+08:00

NYE photos are UPPPP!!

Me, Sarah. She loves this pic. I think it's nice but I look tired.

The guys are dorks. hahahaha. The girls are re-tarded.

Rub his abs for good luck?

JUST LOOK AT CHARLES. (Biege Jacket)

Group shot. But a couple of them weren't in the pic.

Kwok Seng, me, Mich and Sarah. Kwok Seng why look so out of place?lol.

IT IS 2007. WE ARE DELIRIOUS.

And last but not the least! Half of Gen 5.2 ladies and gentlemen. ((((: Special Guest: Nihm (Nam's lil sis) And Unwanted Guest: Michelle NIAM. Cause she is actually from 5.3. hahaha.

So a group about 10 of us went to City Hall after church last week to take photos. We walked from Esplanade where it was jam packed with people to the bridge near Fullerton where we stayed for awhile snapping pictures and talking. After which, we headed back to church for Watch night and went berserk when it struck 12. Basically we danced and jumped around and hugged people along the way for almost an hour before they decided to close the church 'cause if they don't, the songs will never stop, the worship leaders can't go home and everyone will start giggling. You get the drift. BUTTT of course from the audi to the entrance of Odeon Katong we took photos and stalled there for somemore. Then finally, we got moving and headed to Seng Hoi San for chicken rice at 1.15a.m. Great time for greasy and fattening food, seriously. So when me,Mich and Sarah reached Seng Hoi San most of them were already there and let's just say we got a lot of attention 'cause there were about 40 of us there? After a very nice plate of chicken rice (when you havent eaten anything since 4pm, just about anything would taste heavenly) and salad you tiao (yumyum), at 2.40a.m we decided to call it a night and headed home. I didn't know how long the rest took to wait for cabs since there were so many of us, but thank God Weizheng drove so we hitched a ride from her. So there. I didn't squeezed with the crowd this year, went crazy with the rest of Singapore counting down at Vivo or Sentosa, danced and got wasted at clubs, but i had the best NYE this year. (:

YAY! Actually there are more photos in Weizheng's camera but they haven't been uploaded it so these are all I have so far.

Again,I've been thinking this week. Especially after my cell's interns meeting yesterday I think a lightbulb went off me. I asked myself 'do I really want to live 2007 like how I am doing so now?' And I decided that nope, i'm not gonna do that. Sure, I faced some issues that affected me but who doesn't? I'm not saying that these things are gonna be eradicated within an instant. If anything, they still affect me. But I'm not gonna let them take control of my life or how I feel and act. 2006 wasn't a great year and I'm letting it go. I won't bring my mistakes, regrets and bitterness to 2007. If there's an excuse for moving on, blame it on the new year 'cause everyone have since linked it to new beginnings. So I wrote down a list of things I look forward to this year and things I wanna do before I am dead.hahaha.

This Year,
1) I'm blocking off any insecurities and bitterness
2) I'm gonna graduate and I shall embrace my future. Whether it is in S'pore or Perth.
3) is a year of building and moulding characters.
4) I'm excited for Generations and to see what God is gonna do in our youth ministry.
5) I'm joining the creative arts ministry and doing what I like, designing!
6) I WILL STOP WORRYING!
7) I'm coming to a place of intimacy with Jesus.
8) Yes I will learn how to play the acoustic guitar. I've said it for way too long. So YES I WILL LEARN HOW TO PLAY THE ACOUSTIC GUITAR!
9) Spend more time in doing things I like.E.g writing, photography,desigining,learning to play the guitar..
10) I will tame my temper.
11) Love people more. Especially if they are hard to love.
12) Pray more. Read more.
13) Try to shorten my shopping lists. Just try la.
14) Gonna try to travel more if I'm not going perth.
15) Go for mission trips.

Before I am dead I will,
1) Visit Negara falls and the Grand Canyon
2) Write a book
3) Be a magazine journalist
4) Visit all the continents in the world. Maybe except Antartica.
5) Go Bungee Jumping
6) Try Paragliding
7) Serve in Africa
8) Get married
and many more.The list will grow.

2007-01-06T10:58:00.000+08:00

Lifehouse

'Blind'

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like it was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

After all this why
Would you ever wanna leave it
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you will ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

I wonder who the songwriter wrote this song for.

2007-01-02T23:32:00.000+08:00

4 years ago..
You got me hooked on msn.
Got closer to many of my classmates.
I had the best year of my life.

3 years ago..
Had the best time with my girls
Went into Poly and got a culture shock and was depressed for the first 3 months.
And then I started talking to you again.

2 years ago..
Went aboard for the first time without my parents.

in 2006..
Maybe unknowingly you drifted from me.
Was very melacholic

This year,
I will let you drift from me if you really want to.
I may be going away and I'm not sure if I really want to.

But most importantly, I wanna look back at the end of 2007 and say that I have no regrets.

2006-12-31T00:24:00.000+08:00

3oth December 2006
Saturday Night
12.30a.m.

I remember sitting down last year and posting a similar entry. Amidst all the hustle bustle and excitement of ushering in the new year, I'm being extremely pensive and this's gonna be deep.
3 years ago, I thought 2007 would never arrive. Not for a long time. Graduation was the last thing on my mind. The feeling's different from prom night back in 2003. In siglap the 4 years were well-spent and it was more like a 'see you later' than a farewell. I'm not gonna whine about me missing my poly life and friends when I graduate in Feb. I don't miss it all that much honestly. Sure, I did made a couple of good friends and matured quite abit. But I keep feeling that this is the path uncharted. Unlike the previous time, my friends are not going to go into polys and JCs. My guy friends are enlisting into the worse but most memorable time of their lives. I'm not sure about the others. Some are going out to work, some bumming around and others going to universities. So basically they'll be all around the world 'cause some are going overseas to further their studies. I may be going Aussie, I'm not sure yet. The scattering of ashes. The big 2-0. The unknown. The singleness. I do not like 2007 one bit. Not a single bit.

I'm still upset. I'm still very confused. This was all going on while we were having a normal conversation. I have been confused, since the year began. About exactly a year before my eyes were puffed up and swollen for almost the same reason. I remembered trudging into the radio production suite and the last thing on my mind was about editing my work. It all seems silly now. It is. I told myself at the end of 2005 that things were gonna change in the new year. A year has passed. Have I been too passive 'cause I still can't figure out what's on your mind? 2007 sits on our doorsteps. Massive changes are gonna happen. You're enlisting,i may be going away. Many times I wanna say something, but the words won't come out right. You know? I'm not one who will grab your attention by tugging on your arm. I just aren't. So maybe I just am at your disposal. I don't know if I mean anything anymore. Don't know if i'm wanted. I wanna tell you so much, but I don't know if you'll listen. But that's just me. Thinking too much for my own good. So most of the time I hide it with a smile. Smile on the outside, and you'll smile on the inside they say. It only works so much. A few years back I thought I was going through a phase in my life. Right now? Let's just say I miss you.

2006-12-25T22:34:00.000+08:00

What's Christmas without friends and of course presentsss??
Yesterday the spirit of giving was just infectious. (: I walked into the church and everybody were carrying tins and huge paperbags. Thanks for the lollies,chocolates,candy canes,homemade cookies,rolled-up notes,name plates,cards,photos and the belt. The best gift has got to be the photos. Kok Seng printed photos for many of us and wrote something behind. And of course to all those who stayed up till 6am baking cookies and doing name plates and knick knacks...thanksssss so much! But you know what beats all this? It's when you have boxes of chocolates and you walk around giving it away to random people. People like newcomers who didn't receive anything, the person who has gone away for a long time and the soundman whom many unknowingly neglects. And then their appreciative faces makes giving better than receiving on Christmas. I didn't understand some of the teachings from the bible when I was younger. As a sunday school kid, I couldn't comprehend the meaning of 'it's more blessed to give than to receive.' I mean, who didn't like receiving presents? "So I have to forfeit my gifts?" I thought. What kind of sick Christmas was that? So I thought people were crazy to really believe in that. Of course they gave 'cause they knew they would receive something in return. But i'm 19. I'm yes older,but wiser. Sure,I received loads of stuff this yr and I'm thankful for it, but nothing beats saying 'hey,i've got something for you'. And the teachings that confused me before is as clear as day to me now.

After service we hanged around and went to walk around the stalls set up for Christmas at katong and Joo Chiat. The best part was the night performance when we caught Surreal live.

This morning I woke up late and cabbed down to church for filming. It's for Generation's new promo video..I shan't type it down 'cause it will spoil the surprise.(if any) THE 'IQ' test, Joel's clogs, my flying shoe and goggles up games made my day. There were almost 20 of us so all of us had a lot of fun fooling and bumming around.

Alright, enough of this blabbering..need to get down to work.Lord,HELP!

Love,
Nat (:

2006-12-20T21:47:00.000+08:00

Life in 30 days sumed up in (less than) 300 words.

stretched.
preoccupied with millions of popped up thoughts.
thinking about the What if-s and To be-s.
a tad bit frustrated with work.
mostly grateful with what's happening in my life.
taking things in small strides.
slightly upset over the fact that dublin mudslide's gonna be phased out at Ben and Jerry's.
Still loving indie.
currently digging cardigans,floral tops,long necklaces,black clutches and a cream bag which i have not yet found.
can't really register the fact that i'm gonna graduate from poly in 2 months.God,am i old or what?
Jesus is still the most beautiful name i've ever heard and mentioned about.

2006-11-29T02:02:00.000+08:00

Funny how when you're at a particular phase where everything's comfortable and you've got the friends you want, you've got enough money to buy a mushroom swiss double meal everyday and shop at Topshop, you've got enough laughter to last you till the end of the week..and you would think that it's gonna last forever and things won't change. Part of me is still holding on the 'we were 16' dream..I wanna make believe that my life's as carefree as the former days. And then the devious voice sizzles like streams of electricity to wake you up. Goonight world. I can't turn 16 again but I sure can hold on to the hope of a better tomorrow.

2006-11-22T00:42:00.000+08:00

The moo-moo girl has a dilemma. Vivocity or Whitesands?

I can't believe i'm worrying over this when i've got a 1,200 word essay and a business proposal to complete by Friday??!

):

So how ah? Vivocity or Whitesands?

2006-11-13T22:54:00.000+08:00

http://www.fireonthealtar.com/martyrs%20prayer.mp3

I can't die without having a story to tell.

2006-11-04T22:51:00.001+08:00

Isaiah's wedding-28th Oct '06

me,Meng,Mich and Sarah

A nice picture of Prissy (:

I think i was thinking of the dinner menu at that point of time so Meng smiled at the camera for me

um,what more can I say? (pris loves not smiling properly for cameras)

thanks abel.you're such a great photographer.No really.You caught half of Pris's face and a narcissistic fork.oh what else?Of me totally unaware of prying lenses, of course.

Let's put a face to the photographer should we?Say hi,Abel!!!!

The gorgeous female ushers and the not-so-smart looking male ushers

Kenneth is Isaiah's best man who looked great in his suit. Sorry male ushers.

Nammie and me and a suspicious figure (high possiblity of it being Johnathan Leow)

Maybe it's because I hardly attend weddings from friends. Maybe it's because I was helping out as an usher. Maybe it was because it was my first time attending my friend's wedding dinner. But the atmosphere and the company made it the best wedding ever. Congrats, my zone leader. (:

2006-10-22T21:23:00.000+08:00

Dear unashamedtruth.blogspot.com,

I'm gonna clean up my closet today. Oh no, the t-shirts stay. I'm ridding of friends who hang me up in the 'use only in emergency' section of their wardrobe.

Nah, i just don't have space in my closet for them. I'll just spend time with those who care enough to reply to my messages, who care enough to ask a simple 'why?' , who encourages me and who show that they do give a hoot about our friendship.

and this will be the last time i blog about this.

-Nat-

2006-10-06T01:14:00.000+08:00

And my eyes crinkled at the sides as they gazed into the once familiar hang out place. The seats that we crossed our legs on are the stubborn stains in my mind 'cause as I blinked once more, that cosy corner of ours have been closed off. It happened the year after graduation. The place where we would survive on a large coke each day, and then treating ourselves to the occasional hershey sundae pie. Destressing by whipping out our all precious discmans and coming up with wisecracks with our peers. We would take an occasional glance at the textbook, then decide that the pool parlour is an obvious option over our O levels.

We laughed like there's no tomorrow man.

I waved off that whiff of nostalgia as I spent the same night at that frequented place for 4 years with the same friends i've hanged out with throughout my stay there. We clinked our cups together and put on the most dazzling smile. It was our first prom night. We were unsure of what was going to happen, but certain that bonds stayed with us wherever we went.

Friends forever, we said.

As though a whirlwind came and grabbed us unnoticed, we're about to graduate again. This time the once free spirited laughter is faint; there is no fanfare. Perhaps we dread to come into terms with saying goodbye and being thrust into uncharted territory. This time, it's pitch dark. I've to feel my way through. There are no directional signs. Why? I asked. 'My dear, you're old enough to think about what you want for yourself.' There is nothing whimsical about this. And suddenly,it presents itself as what it is. Forget the cotton candy clouds and the rocking horses. Everything is presented as what they are. They can't be more bland.

Then that all familiar feeling comes back to me and a breath of reminiscence gently brezees by. And my eyes crinkled at the sides at the memories, distant yet obstinate.

Friends forever, we said.

What was once said in innocence is now swallowed carefully with tangibility.

Friends forever, I hope. and crosses my fingers.

2006-09-29T15:58:00.000+08:00

San Marco.
Sea Home Boston.
Carribean.
NYC.
Prague.

Once again, i need a break.

Note to self: STOP watching discovery travel and living.

2006-09-18T23:24:00.000+08:00

As-of-the-Moment-Loves (in random order)

1) Death Cab for Cutie
2) Vintage and funk graphic designs
3) 80's Tees
4) Navy Blue
5) Getting over new songs in a week
6) Charms
7) Trees and vines
8) Ebaying
9) Armor for Sleep
10) Youtubing
11) Bedok blk 85 for dinner and then supper
12) Sleeping in and even inner
13) Pastel colours
14) Silver and Gold

2006-09-03T00:44:00.001+08:00

this morning this was what happened.

Dad: 'is the pair of jeans in the pail urs?'
Mum: 'ya lah the colour run..where you buy one?Expensive anot?
Everytime ask you not to anyhow buy jeans already.'

So i went to the yard and i saw my new pair of tapered jeans reduced to a mess of purple blotches. Then a mix of feelings came attacking me like an unaware pedestrain being knocked down by a speeding vehicle.

I was unconvinced.
'Maybe it won't be so bad after it has dried.'

Then angry.
'should have handwashed it myself.''

And finally i thought to myself,
'i wasted 43 bucks for nothing.''

Before i continue, you may think it's another pointless entry where i am ranting about one of my greatest regrets in life. (after dirtying that favourite stussy shirt 3 yrs ago) Now, WATCH.

In my mind, i envisioned $43 in full form just being blown away and dissolving into the wind.
It's not about the pair of Jeans now. I'm thinking..how often do we spend our resources (cash, time etc..)on things that do not last? Even if the washing machine didn't dirty my jeans today, one day it will be too worn out for me to wear. Or even worse, knowing me, it'll probably be tucked away at some obscure corner in my wardrobe in time to come cos the straight cut jeans are back in trend. How much cash, do we spend to nourish our souls i am wondering? Time we spend to encourage someone. Investing in things that can't rust, or get stolen. 'cause at the end of it all, this is what that will be put to test. That is all that will remain. I think, when i meet Jesus, he wouldn't ask me, 'so how many black dresses have you bought that you think have brought honour to My name?' or 'How has that Porsche of yours edified the body of Christ?'
Really. He sees the friends we have brought to know Him, our obedience when we hear His voice and the faith to believe He will provide for us when we're living from penny to penny. What will i bring to God that will glorify His name?

If i keep a record of my expenditure, i'm ashamed to say that most of my money are spent on things that will not last..things that make myself seem cooler, cause i have a pair of to-die-for pumps. I don't wanna throw my money to some boutique or Japanese restaurant and leave my soul in a bankrupt and dehydrated state of being. What about time? We have all the time in the world to shop, but no time to sit down and have lunch with someone who needs to feel loved? We could spend 5 hours at the hair salon to curl our hair but can't go to cell on saturdays for 2 hours? You know what? The last thing i want is to be reduced to a living mess of materialistic cells. Let's not allow the world to buy us into fashion, paper chase and prestige. But rather, let's buy the world with the love of Christ through us.

2006-08-27T23:37:00.000+08:00

You know what?

I should totally change my blog picture. It's towards the end of 2006 already.

Yea i know. I still can't believe yet another year is on its way to passing.
I'm thinking what i have accomplished this year. Have i just sat through and wasted 8 months of my life or did something i was actually proud of? Did i just went to church to jump to some songs or did i inspire somebody? Have i complained more than i have encouraged? Thought more than putting it into action? Held back more than gathering boldness to do what i want? Feel directionless more than pupose driven?

Yes to all of the above.
But no, i'm not gonna continue with these excuses and restrain. One thing i have realised it's that i live far too short to want to bother about people's opinions about my dreams,values and pursue. It's a Now thing.

I'm not gonna be wasted. Nor elegantly wasted (however you define it).

I live in the now.

2006-08-15T12:44:00.000+08:00

Think i'll just update a lil' on what has been going on.

1) It has been almost a month since we last talked.
2) I havent seen my BFFFL for 3 weeks.
3) I took a liking on the bassist of the Early November.
4) The last weekend i had the 2 most powerful services in church.
5) I like obscure bands more and more. (touriste, anyone? Lo mass republic?)
6) I can't stop shopping. i thought i exhausted my shopping list but right after that i had a brand new one.
7) I'm feeling broke.
8) I feel out-of-touch with my friends
9) I miss having lip-smacking tongue twisting sambal stingray (for the sake of spending less)
10) Eh, i think i need another holiday soon. The last one was just 4 months back.
11) I'm feeling directionless now 'cause i have no idea what i'm gonna do after graduation. I wanna study overseas, and yet i don't wanna go for more than 2 yrs. And there's the money issue. and the church. and the family and friends.
12) I wanna be back in secondary school so i have less to worry about. If i was having a bad day, my 8 close friends were always there to give me good laughs and hugs.
13) I hate it that by next year all of us will go our separate ways 'cause i already feel far enough from you all.
14) SIP's finishing in 6 weeks' time. i can'ttttt wait.
15) I've been hanging out with Van and Jules quite a bit. looove. (:
16) I miss those i haven't seen for awhile.
17) I'm getting more melacholic as the years go by. Why, i wonder? I need the sanguine streak in me back here now.
18) I don't know how am i gonna survive if i didn't know Jesus. Going ard in circles, perhaps.
19) A sudden urge to curl my hair.

2006-08-07T10:16:00.000+08:00

Tunes that are spinning..and spinning repeatedly: (Not in order of preference)
1. Calm down- Touriste
2. Lasting impression- The Starting Line
3. Redeemer- Planet Shakers
4. Take all of me- Hillsong
5. If I told you this was killing me, would you stop- The Juliana Theory
6. The long spring- Explosions in the Sky
7. Class 'A' love affair- The Great Spy Experiment
8. Find a way- Plain Sunset
9. After midnight- J Minus
10. Symphony of Blase'- Anberlin

The permanent fixtures in the ipod: (In order of preference)
1. Learning to breathe- Switchfoot
2. I can only imagine- MercyMe

Soon-to-be permanent fixture in the ipod:
1. After Midnight- J Minus

Yesterday I was bombarded with this message in mySpace.It turned out to be this band who wanted me to give them a listen..so i thought 'alright..just like any other band that msged me yea..' so i went and clicked away. You know how some songs start out really well but halfway through it, your mind is somewhere else..and some that don't make an impression at first but blows you away at the bridge. But this J Minus song got me hooked from the first note to the end. It's on repeat mode ever since. Amazing band. Take a listen to it. www.myspace.com/Jminus

"After Midnight"-J Minus

after midnight I'll meet you by the seaside in my mind
I could walk a million miles with you by my side
see the glow of the moon dancing through the night
words can't describe the feelings i hold inside
and after midnight, I come to you in a dream
take my hand and run away to a place you've never seen
and we can watch the water such a beautiful sight
we'll be together after midnight

chorus
Please don't wake me up don't take me from this place I'd rather be
I don't know if you can go there, outside of a dream
if i could i would i'd stay there with you, never want to leave
you will always be there with me, holding as i sleep
and after midnight i'll see you beneath the darkened skies
we can run around in the open chasing fireflies make a wish upon the stars, forever we'll be free
cause i've become a part of you and your a part of me

Chorus 2

Bridge
if i lead you, will you follow?
stay right behind me
if i take you, leave your sorrow
stay right behind
if i lead you, will you follow?
stay right behind me
no more worries till tomorrow
no more worries..........